If She Had Wings...

Better

2011-12-28T00:44:00.000Z

N.B. I'm into writing lists. I'm always writing them - shopping lists, to-do lists, books to read lists, chores lists, things to pack lists... you get the idea. One of the lists I write less often are lists about my life, 'bucket' kinda lists if you will.

At New Year I'm not really into resolutions as things you decree at midnight on 31st December to change half-heartily and then 12 hours later realise you've failed miserably and give up.) When I want to change my life I do so immediately (or at the soonest possible time.) But this year feels different to me. Not different as in I believe something magical is going to happen as the clock strikes 12, but that I feel the end of this year brings closure, to many things that have gone on over the last few years.

2011 turned out not to be the year of hope and new opportunities that I hoped it would. Although there were many very special and amazing times - it was also full of disappointments and heartache. Maybe I should have that sentence the other way around... Anyway, I'm not here to write about the past. This is about the future, about change. About wanting things to be different, better.

I have written a list of things I want to accomplish this year. Some of them may seem like certainties, some of them maybe not - but I'm not going to say which are which. And who knows, what I want and what God wants might turn out to be totally different, and I may not complete any of them - but hey, it never hurts to have goals in life.

Goals For 2012:

Return to The Philippines.
Get my knees fixed.
Invite more people round to dinner.
Sleep out on the streets to raise money for the Homeless.
Finish Bible In One Year.
Give more stuff away.
Graduate with a 2:1 (at least!)
Get a job.
See my friends more.
See my family more.
Start volunteering with Guides/Scouts again.
Get a Youth Band up and running.
Have some more 'time off'.
Do a 25 mile charity bike ride.
See something that takes my breath away.

“People don't fail because they aim too high and miss,

but because they aim too low and hit.”

Les Brown

Inside

2011-12-24T23:46:00.000Z

N.B. The following blog is because I am reading ‘DoNothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

It’s a strange Christmas this year: partly becausemy family are scattered across the country/world, and partly because it is thefirst Christmas since as long as I can remember where I haven’t been to churchat all in the week leading up to Christmas. This year I am far away from churchon Christmas eve, Christmas Day, I haven’t even attended a Candlelit CarolService. I guess that’s why it doesn’t feel so much like Christmas.

But then again – this Christmas has reminded memore of my childhood. Back to the days when Christmas was exciting. WhenChristmas traditions filled me with joy, and the laughter and lights of theholiday season brought us together as a family. Over the last week I have seenmany of my family, aunts, cousins, grandparents and siblings. I have been ableto get to know people on a much deeper level than their Facebook profile – get theheart of what makes people tick and the things that are really precious tothem.

Amongst all that, I have taken some time off, andnot felt the need to answer every call for my attention. I am a human who needsto recharge, needs to accept my own weakness and my own downfalls, and rememberthat family is important. I spend a lot of time putting my family second to thedemands of youth work/church. But at Christmas, as ‘churchy’ a celebration aswe like to make it, I have chosen to reverse that balance. Tomorrow I willspend time with my sister Laura and her husbands’ family. Boxing Day I will spendtime with my siblings. And I will not regret the time that I did not spend atChurch. For I worship a God who is bigger than the buildings we so oftenattempt to confine him in, and I will instead find wonder in the day ofcelebration for the child who was born into the simplicity of a stable.

"May the Lord bless you and keep you.

May the Lord make his face to shine upon you,

and be gracious to you.

May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you,

and give you peace."

Merry Christmas everyone.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

· Now that allof the preparations are done – or at least now that there is no more time forany more preparing – stop, and find a place of quiet.

· Be still. Getinside the Christmas story. Sit down. Make yourself smaller. In yourimagination go to Bethlehem. Bend beneath the lintel of the doorof the stable and come in.

· God comes tous in the vulnerability of a child. We can come to him in stillness. We canfind him in silence. And Christmas can be put back together. And enjoyed.

“Christmas renews our youth bystirring our wonder. The capacity for wonder has been called our most pregnanthuman faculty, for in it are born our art, our science, our religion.” Ralph Sockman

Outside

2011-12-23T20:27:00.000Z

N.B. All of the following 2 blogs are because I amreading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

Happiness: it’s what people think Christmas is allabout isn’t it? And more than that – many people believe that they can buyhappiness – with stuff and presents. Anyone want to volunteer an answer for howlong happiness in stuff and possessions lasts with teenagers? How long beforethey are clambering, desperate, yearning: for the next game or the newest thingor the most recent music – otherwise they will be BORED!

If there is one word I have heard more than anyother in all my time as a youth worker it is that one. Teenagers just don’tseem to be able to create things to do for themselves anymore. They need to beconstantly entertained/in front of an electronic screen. It’s such a shame. Iknow my generation in general is almost as bad, but I remember days when mybrothers and I would head off down the park for the day – and numerous occasionswhen the church youth group would head off to King George’s park and sit on ‘ourbridge’. We would walk, chat, mess around, play football. Not a computer orgames console in sight. I know it sounds stupid, but they are some of thehappiest memories of my childhood. Days that were simple and innocent.

Nowadays, I only get times like that when I am overin the

Philippines

,at Joyland or Dacutan or Payatas: playing games involving a few scruffyflip-flops, and sometimes some even scruffier kids. When I am sad, I close myeyes and their smiles shine brightly in my mind.

The other thing that makes me truly happy is being inthe outdoors. I was a Guide as a teenager, and I just loved going on camp. Ihad a few amazing friends around me, and being a tom boy – making fires andputting up tents and running around in a field for a few days was so much fun.I was reminded of this earlier in the year when I went on camp with some Unimates. It was easily the best five days of this year – I felt free again. Freeto run, scream, listen, sit, and become one with nature and the trees. God’sbeautiful creation, and being a part of it, is one of the things that make mehappiest of all. In the woods, it doesn’t matter how much money you have if youcan’t make fire. It doesn’t matter how big your house is if you’re stranded inthe middle of a forest. I love the outdoors life – and I just can’t get enoughof it.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

· It’s not whatyou have, or don’ have that counts. It’s what you do with it that counts.

· So forgetabout what you don’t have; let go of the things you no longer have time to fitin. Enjoy what you do have instead, and make the most of the time you have now –after all it is the only time you possess with any certainty.

· And why notstart manifesting a few other crazy signs of happiness and goodwill. Say helloto the people you pass in the street, smile a bit more, and laugh at your adversities.I once read a survey comparing the number of times a child smiles each daycompared to the amount an adult does. The difference was alarming. Children’ssmiles outnumbered adults by about ten to one. Let’s bump up our average!

“People can’t concentrate properly on blowing otherpeople to pieces if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to thetwenty-fifth of December.” OgdenNash

Homeland

2011-12-22T23:59:00.000Z

N.B. All of the following 3 blogs are because I amreading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

I have been thinking about the Philippines alot recently. I mean, I think about it all the time, but I have been thinkingdeeply about it lots more than normal. I miss it so much that the core of mybody actually aches some days. I look at photos to remind me of those preciousmemories – some that I have shared and some that I never will, but all of whichI hold dear to my heart. Almost within the first few days of being there, thevery first time, I felt as if I was finally at home. It is a hard feeling todescribe to people, especially to people who feel that my home should be here in the UK,either with family or close friends. I do feel ‘at home’ in many places, butthe feeling of my heart being filled with total peace and joy has only everreally occurred in the

Philippines

And as the season for sharing good times with lovedones is fully upon us, I can’t help but dream of the days that used to be… thedays that could have been. I know, deep down, that my heart will never truly besettled in this country. And I’m not overly sure what I’m supposed to do aboutthat. I have family and friends here. What a sacrifice I would be making, tomove to the other side of the world. I cannot lie, and say that it has nevercrossed my mind. But I am hoping, in my heart of hearts, that if and when thattime comes, God will help those I leave behind to be gracious, andunderstanding. I hope that he will give my life full purpose, so that I knewthat I were not sacrificing in vain.

That’s all I’m going to say today. Lots to do, Godbless everyone. x

“Another winter dayhas come and gone away,

In even Paris andRome, and I wanna go home

Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by a million people I
Still feel all alone, oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know”

[Michael Bublé – ‘Home’]

DNCIC recommendations for today:

· What thingsbring you the greatest joy?

· What momentsin your life are so inexplicably wonderful that you cannot comprehend themwithout using the language of the soul, the heart, the spirit?

· OK, so yourheart is just a big muscle pumping your very necessary blood around your verymortal body; but it is also something else, something that cannot be defined orunderstood without another sort of language, that seems like an echo fromanother life.

· Get out themistletoe – who do you want to kiss?

“Thebest remedy for those who are afraid, lonely, or unhappy is to go outside,somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God.Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishesto see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature.” Anne Frank

Decisions

2011-12-21T22:45:00.001Z

N.B. All of the following 4 blogs are because I amreading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

Today is the three-year anniversary of when Ibecame an Auntie. Happy Birthday Layla. I love you so much. xXx

Sometimes I wonder why so many spend so much timedebating the rights/wrongs of believing in God. I just don’t get it. Wouldn’tit be much better if people made up their mind, and then lived according totheir beliefs? If you do believe, especially in Jesus etc, then live like youbelieve, and if you don’t, figure out what you’re here for and live by that. Ifall the energy people spent arguing with others who don’t believe the same asthem was put into solving world poverty, I pretty sure the world would be amuch less povertous place.

So many people spend so long working out if theytruly believe or not that they miss the life they could have lived in the meantime! As for me, I don’t want proof. Proof would deny the meaning of the faiththat I have in Christ. I feel in my heart and my soul and the depth of my beingthat God is there, but that doesn’t mean that there are not doubts that crossmy mind. At the end of a hard day, I sometimes wonder if I am wasting my lifeaway. But there are hundreds of things that keep me going, that show me thateven if God was false, it would not change the way that I want to live andlove. Love is given meaning by God, and those who truly love experience Godhimself.

Anyway, I’m rambling. There isn’t really much Iwanted to say today. Except this:

“My memory isnearly gone;
but I remember twothings;
That I am a greatsinner, and
that Christ is agreat Saviour.”

John Newton (1725-1807)

DNCIC recommendations for today:

· Will you go tochurch this Christmas and test out this hypothesis of love?

· What for youare the biggest obstacles that get in the way of believing?

· How might yoube able to remove them? Who could help you?

· What could youand your family do to find out more about the Christian faith?

“In Jesus the whole test passing, browniepoint earning rigamole of the human race has been cancelled for lack ofinterest on God’s part. All he needs from us is a simple Yes, or No, and off towork He goes.” Robert Farrar Capon

Santa

2011-12-20T23:59:00.000Z

N.B. Allof the following 5 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas IsComing’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an adventcalendar with a difference.’

I never really got the big dealabout Father Christmas. I’m not sure how young I was, maybe 5 or 6 when Iworked out that he probably wasn’t real. But it didn’t really bother me somuch. I knew my parents gave me the gifts and I was thankful that I had so manythings to open on Christmas Day, regardless of who they came from.

I think that believing in Santachanges the way a child approaches Christmas. They might write him a letterasking him for lavish gifts that their parents will then have to somehowacquire. They might make an extra-effort to be good in the belief that Santa ismaking his Naughty/Nice list. On Christmas Eve they might leave out milk andcookies, maybe even a carrot or two for the reindeer. They might even go tobed, good as gold, in the hope that when they awake their stockings will befull of wonderful gifts and toys. And when they wake on Christmas morning to astocking full of presents, they will delight in ‘What Santa Brought!’ andbelieve that they merited such gifts with their good behaviour.

There’s not much wrong with any ofthat. But some children are taught about Jesus much the same as Santa – he’ssomeone you believe in when you’re younger but it doesn’t really affect how youlife as an adult. Some might even believe that the good gifts they are given inlife have been awarded because of their ‘good’ behaviour. But life isn’t thatsimple.

Believing in Santa, and believingin Jesus are two very different things. One of them is a timeless figure thatremains through the ages; the other is a child who grows into a man. A man whoheals the sick, feeds the hungry, and dies for the sin of the world.

“Enjoy the Father Christmas story with your children, and when theyquestion it help them to leave it behind. But enjoy the story of Jesus as well.And when they question it, allow it to lead them forward. It can show them howto inhabit the world.” S. Cottrell

DNCICrecommendations for today:

· Readthe story to your children. There are good children’s Bible’s easily available.

· Readthe story yourself – but make sure you get a modern translation.

· Enjoythe Father Christmas story, and invent a few weird family traditions of yourown. Make a Smartie trail for your kids this Christmas leading from the foot oftheir bed to the presents under the tree, or a hidden present somewhere in thehouse.

· Ifyou don’t have one already, invest in a crib and give it the pride of place inthe house, and light a candle by it in the evening.

“Your children needyour presence more than your presents.” Jesse Jackson

Cringe

2011-12-19T22:49:00.000Z

N.B. Allof the following 6 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas IsComing’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an adventcalendar with a difference.’

It is true that most of us findour families terribly embarrassing. There are two ways to deal with thisembarrassment – disown them, or embrace it. Everyone’s family is a little bitodd – everyone’s family does slightly weird things when compared to someoneelses, and as I said to my friend Georgia today – everyone has at least onecrazy, elderly relative that makes us all laugh. That’s life.

But as weird and completely barmyas my family are – I love them. And I love spending time with them. They makeme laugh, and they give me something to smile about. They do stupid things, andthey do amazing things. There is definitely something they are not – and that isboring. There is rarely a quiet moment in this house.

I guess that is why I am a bit sadthat we won’t all be together for Christmas this year, like in years gone by.But then we haven’t ALL been together for Christmas for a good 8 years. Butstill. The extra time that I have taken to spend with them will not be in vain.It’s going to be great. J

DNCICrecommendations for today:

· Takeyourself less seriously.

· Thebest comedies will not be on television this Christmas. They will be aroundyour own table, if you can but see them.

· Re-imaginethe peoples of the world as a hugely complex, extremely muddled, wonderfully oddand riotously funny family. Enjoy the differences. Take proper account of thedeep-seated simularities.

· Saysorry a bit more.

· Saythank you.

“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervousbreakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” BertrandRussell

Aunt Mildred

2011-12-18T23:48:00.000Z

N.B. Allof the following 7 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas IsComing’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an adventcalendar with a difference.’

“Jesus doesn’t ask us to love everyone; he asks us to love ourneighbour. Loving everyone is relatively easy. Most of us can muster a generalfeeling of goodwill towards an unspecific someone, as long as you neveractually have to live with them. But to love your neighbour, to love yourfamily, to love those very particular and hugely irritating people that areactually with you now, well, this is much more difficult. But it is the onlyhope for peace in our world.” S. Cottrell

It was my niece’s 3^rd birthdaytoday – which means the relatives were round to celebrate. (Although not all ofthem, which was probably a good thing as they wouldn’t all fit in our Lounge.) Familyget-togethers seem always to be a thing of delight and despair. It is nice tosee everyone again, but everyone is hoping that you-know-who will stay awayfrom she-said-what’s. Loving the people who know you inside out (and thereforeknow all your flaws) is always going to be harder than loving someone halfwayacross the world who you only ever speak to online.

But learning to love peopledespite of their flaws is what teaches us the true meaning of love. After all –God loved us before we did anything at all that should merit love. His love ismeritless – you have it regardless, in spite of all you do to demerit it. Infact, the only reason we can love, is because Christ loved us first. (1 John4:19)

So this Christmas, give yourfamily a break. And learn to love them, in spite of all they do that mightfrustrate you, annoy you and generally drive you crazy. After all – you’reprobably pretty much stuck with them for many years to come. You may as welllearn to enjoy it.

DNCICrecommendations for today:

· Insteadof looking with delight at the splinter in your brother’s eye, remove the logfrom your own.

· OK,so you don’t always like your family, but that doesn’t excuse you from lovingthem, and offering them the generosity and kindness that you long to receive.

· Infact, when it comes to generosity and kindness, you will reap what you sow.

· Plansome things to do together that are not just watching TV. In my family wealways play games. It’s a great leveller. Arrange a Boxing Day walk. Book sometickets for the local panto.

· God’slove for the world is communicated through a person who, like us, was born in afamily. God knows what they’re like. He knows they’re not always easy.

“Family is just accident… They don’tmean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they justare.” Marsha Norman

P.S. I don’t have an Aunt Mildred.Just thought it sounded like a good title.

Harmony

2011-12-17T23:08:00.000Z

N.B. Allof the following 8 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas IsComing’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an adventcalendar with a difference.’

As climatic a Christmas as thepeople of Albert Squareappear to have year after year, there is one aspect of the show that I do like,(though I never watch it.) They live in community with one another. Everybodyknows everybody and their Mum, and very few of the characters spend more timeon Facebook that with actual people. Although alas, perhaps that is where theshow varies the most from real life.

One thing I love about Christmas isthat it gets people together. And I don’t mean together on an online site, Imean in the same room as other people. Sharing and living and talking. Itscares me how young people are more than willing to spend hours sharing andupdating me with the intimate details of the lives of their favourite TVcharacter, but when I ask them how their week has been they say ‘Alright.’ Youngpeople are losing the ability to have a conversation about themselves withanother human being – in person.

We may know the issues and historyand background affecting the characters of Eastenders, One Tree Hill, or TOWIE,but we miss when our best friend is struggling, or that family in church aregrieving, or that single Dad is overwhelmed by his responsibilities. People cantell me that spending time on Facebook is this generation’s version of ‘socialising’but I say no. Get off the computer and go and live life with people. Spend timewith them. Listen to them. Discover who they really are, not what their profilepicture and status says they are. It may well be false.

DNCICrecommendations for today:

· DoI know my next door neighbour’s name?

· DoI only ever mix with people like myself?

· Isthere anywhere I go where there are people of other races or religions?

· Makea pledge to start a conversation with someone you hardly know.

“The lion and thecalf may lay down together, but the calf won’t get much sleep.” Woody Allen

Leftovers

2011-12-16T23:42:00.000Z

N.B. Allof the following 9 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas IsComing’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an adventcalendar with a difference.’

“I remember someone saying they would like to discuss their spirituallive with me. ‘That’s fine,’ I replied. ‘Please make sure you bring your creditcard statement with you.’ They were slightly taken aback. ‘It was my spirituallife I was hoping to discuss,’ they began. ‘Well,’ I explained, ‘whether welike it or not, what we do with our money is the clearest possible indicator ofwhat we think our spiritual life is actually about.”

Yesterday at College the 2^ndyears were discussing the whole idea of giving and possessions. I was in one ofthe study rooms when one of the learning groups came and joined us as they hadbeen sent off to discuss a few questions. I remember studying that topic lastyear, and being somewhat of a devil’s advocate. Not many of the class agreedwith me then, and there is a real possibility that few of them ever will. Becausewhat I believe challenges the lifestyle that so many 21^st centuryChristians live, and despite ‘subscribing’ to the views of Jesus church – few areprepared to actual live the lifestyle that we are called to.

Few are willing to live asradically as their beliefs would have you assume. That is not a dig atChristians who are not prepared to give up home comforts for the adventure of agospel-lifestyle – I am sure they are gifted and show devotion to Christ inother ways. But it is a challenge – to realise that the comforts of today andtomorrow are nothing compared to the glory of forever. Some Christians wouldrather eat biscuits today, because they cannot wait a few years to visit thebiscuit factory. (Stupid analogy but helpful in highlighting the point.) Jesuspromises that whatever we give up in this world, we will be given, and more, inheaven. There is nothing that God has created that can give us greater pleasurethan God himself.

So this Christmas, when you arebuying things that you believe may enhance your life – think instead of givingthe money to help others – and collect your reward in heaven instead.

DNCICrecommendations for today:

· Getout your credit card statement and your bank statement and see where your moneyactually goes.

· Isthere a standing order for charity? Or is charitable giving a matter of seeingwhat’s left over?

· Makesure you give at least one gift to the poor this Christmas.

“Generosity isn’tmeasured by how much you give; but by how much is left over when you’vefinished giving.”Richard Inwood

Exterior

2011-12-15T23:26:00.000Z

N.B. Allof the following 10 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas IsComing’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an adventcalendar with a difference.’

Christmas lights, they’re a thingof wonder aren’t they? As a child our house was always the most extravagantlydecorated in the street, and probably the town where outdoor lights came inmoderation for most of the busy, middle class families. But our house was likeSanta’s grotto. My mum loved Christmas, and always viewed it much like a child –full of pretty objects, shining lights and colourful decorations that broughther joy. As a child our house was envied – plenty of festive spirit inside andout. (And yes, if you haven’t already heard – our Christmas tree was up for nearly7 years.)

But as I grew older, andespecially as I hit my mid teens, even I realised that the exterior of a housespeaks nothing of the lives that are lived inside of it. Broken families livesare not made easier by the Christmas period – if anything they are morestressful. Plans of visits and time allocation for different relatives, tryingto organise seeing both sets of families, knowing that things might bedifferent and long-time traditions may be broken. Plus the stress of havingmoney problems can cause tension between parents, especially if a relationshipis already frayed.

Or perhaps someone is missing atthe Dinner table who might have normally been there. Although Christmas is atime for families to get together, it is sometimes the time when those who areno longer with us are missed the most. Stories shared remind us of happymemories, but also the pain of loss.

The lights that surround us atChristmas time should also remind us of the future: the world that we are leavingbehind for future generations to enjoy. In our urge to decorate our lives withcomfort and luxury and festivities, we should not forget that is our childrenwho will pay for our mistakes – it is our children who will live with theconsequences of the things we do. So if we will not curb our selfish behaviourfor our peers, perhaps we should for our children, and our grandchildren.

DNCICrecommendations for today:

· Switchoff the lights, or at least ration how long they are on for.

· Buythose LED lights, and fill your house with those instead.

· Christmaspresent problem solved – buy everyone energy efficient light bulbs andrechargeable batteries – and get some for yourself while you’re at it!

· Workout your Carbon footprint – and resolve to reduce it. There are lots of resourceson the Web for working our your Carbon footprint and offsetting your Carbonemissions, such as the UK Carbon Footprint project at www.carbonfootprint.com, or the BigGreen Switch at www.biggreenswitch.co.uk

· Seethe Church of England’s Shrinking Your Carbon Footprint campaign at www.cofe.anglican.org

· Switchto a green energy supplier. Again, there are details on the Web and help inswitching at websites like the Green Helpline at www.greenhelpline.com

“Unless we change the direction we are heading, we might end up wherewe are going.”Chinese Proverb

Heartache

2011-12-14T23:43:00.000Z

N.B. Allof the following 11 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas IsComing’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an adventcalendar with a difference.’

Today we had a joint men/women’sHouse of Prayer. It was good fun, interesting to share with the men also –(although a bit weird that they were there). Diane asked us to share variousmoments in our lives – the best and worst thing of 2011, reasons why we werespecial, and the happiest three moments in our lives. The last topic for me wasthe very hardest. I have had many happy moments in my life. But perhaps thehappiest three also carry with them the deepest hurt: perhaps because thehighest moments in our lives carry the potential for us to fall the furthest.

Interestingly for today’s adventreading – all three ‘happy’ moments are in some way connected to children:

1) Anyone who knows me at all willknow my passion and heart for the Philippines and the children andpeople I met there. The children and young people at Joyland have beenespecially on my mind recently, as it is getting close to Christmas and I longso much to share this time with them. They are so dear to my heart, and I amsparsely happier than when I am spending time with them - but of course itmeans that I feel such a great sense of loss when I am so far away.

2) When I first came to Southend Iwas broken in so many ways, but there was one family that I became particularlyclose to and began to spend a lot of time with. The kids treated me like a bigsister, and I loved them all as if they were my younger siblings. I enjoyedevery moment I spent with the family, and always felt like I belonged. Theywelcomed me in, even at the most inconvenient times, and they helped me in toomany ways for me to count. I loved them all. Unfortunately, over the last fewyears a few things have changed, and things are no longer as they once were. Istill love them all just as much as I ever have, but it has been heartbreakingto share with them in their pain over the last few years.

3) My niece is the absolute apple ofmy eye. I love her to the moon and back, and she makes me smile on the worst ofmy days. Being able to share in her growing and learning has been amazing. Sheis beautiful, funny and loving and growing up much too fast. (3 years old nextweek!) Unfortunately the world she is growing up into is not one I would wishon any child. I wish that I could in some way prevent her from ever finding outabout the selfishness and greed that leads to so much suffering in the world.The look in her eyes the first time she learns about the conditions otherchildren have to live in will break my heart. She is so privileged to have somuch, but so many other children aren’t.

I hope you don’t mind me sharingthose. (Well, if you do you don’t have to keep reading…) It has been helpfulfor me to share, without worrying about the tears in my eyes. Learn to see theworld through a child’s eyes – do not hide away from the suffering. Allow it tosink into your soul – to break your heart as it does a child’s. But also learnto see the innocence in the world again – the majesty. The awesomeness of Godcome down to earth as a newborn baby.

DNCICrecommendations for today:

· Receivethe Christmas story like a child.

· Takesome child-like delight in what is happening around you today.

· Beamazed at the breath in your lungs, the pulse in your wrist, the wind in thetrees, the sun upon your face, the water in your tap, the stars in the sky andthe smiles on the faces of all the people who will look at you as if you aremad when you kneel down in the street and give thanks for the profligategoodness of the world that is given to us today.

· Rememberthat you learned life’s really important lessons at nursery school; sit still,share your toys and clean up after yourself. If we managed these three therewould be peace in the world!

“Themost beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source ofall true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can nolonger pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes areclosed.”Albert Einstein

Feast

2011-12-13T22:40:00.000Z

N.B. Allof the following 12 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas IsComing’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an adventcalendar with a difference.’

It is very interesting how wecelebrate Jesus’ birth of simplicity by spending weeks and weeks stuffing ourlives full of mass amounts of everything. I’m not a humbug, at least notanymore. I have had my fair share of amazing Christmas’, and even a few rottenones, but I can no longer partake in the season of gluttony that has overtakenthis time of year. No, I don’t have a chocolate calendar – I eat enoughchocolate as it is, without needing a daily dose of it for the month beforeChristmas. I have not stocked up my cupboards with masses of food that Iprobably won’t eat.

An important part of Christmas isthe great feast – dinner with all the trimmings and extras on Christmas Daythat is shared with family or perhaps friends. But does not the feast tastebetter if it has not been preceded by days and days of stuffing your face? Ieat many a meal over the year with my young people – but the one I enjoy themost is nearly always the one after the 24 hour famine. It is when we gowithout that we truly learn to appreciate what we have. It is the same withstuff. Those who go without learn much more how to treasure the little they areblessed with – while those who have everything often appreciate nothing.

DNCICrecommendations for today:

· Buywhat you need.

· Buyethically reared poultry. Spend a bit more and eat a bit less.

· Preparefor the feast with the simplicity of the fast.

· Anddo a bit more of the cooking yourself. There is always one vital ingredientmissing in pre-packaged food – the love that only you can stir in.

“Christmashas its critics and, if we are honest, I’m sure each of us has, at some time,wished we could quietly quit the planet and come back when it is over. On theother hand, at what other time of the year can we turn our minds to the sheerjoy of feasting? The sharing of fine food and wines with family and friends isa deeply ingrained human (as well as religious) activity, without which ourlives would surely be diminished.” Delia Smith

Dung

2011-12-12T17:16:00.000Z

N.B. All of the following 13 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

The children performed their Christmas nativity yesterday, and it was every bit as cute and adorable as I thought it would be. But I can’t helping thinking that if the real ‘first Christmas’ was shown on stage, if we would even allow our children to watch.

The figures we place in our nativity scene rarely represent the true nature of the Virgin birth. Jesus seems to always be white with blonde hair for starters. Mary always looks perfect, even though she’s just given birth without painkillers. And there are three kings, who actually didn’t visit the stable at all. (Everyone seems to miss that in the original story…) As well as that, wooden or plastic figures don’t smell as bad as the real thing probably would have.

And yet, even though we know it’s not really how it was, it becomes something of a wonder. All these strange visitors, coming to see a tiny baby, born in a smelly stable surrounded by animals and their droppings. (Yes, most modern day nativities are missing a good bit of cow dung.)

DNCIC recommendations for today:

• Why do we put these figures in the crib?

• Who are they?

• What does their story say to us?

• Where do we enter in?

• Dare I stop and look inside?

• Is this a story of God come down to earth? Or jus another bit of childhood to be left behind?

“Christmas is not as much about opening presents as opening our hearts.” Janice Maeditere

Binging

2011-12-11T16:44:00.000Z

N.B. All of the following 14 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

I’ve been tee-total for about 3 years now, and not really drunk alcohol much at all for the last 5. I’m not against alcohol, just don’t feel like I need it to have a good time, and I don’t like the person I become when I do have a drink, so about three years ago I decided that I wasn’t going to drink it any more – at all. It’s not really been that hard, I don’t like the taste of it and it’s far too expensive.

Christmas though, seems to be the season of alcohol-foods. Not only is nearly every traditional Christmas food drowning in the stuff, but people seem to think it is even more acceptable to drink it in copious amounts. Christmas office parties become rooms full of drunken, slurring and overly-familiar men and women, who will probably spend most of the following day sleeping off the hangover. I don’t know why people question my motives…

DNCIC recommendations for today:

• Do a quick (and honest) self assessment: how much do you drink each week? How much do you depend on drink to fuel your social life?

• Reconsider the honourable and ancient tradition of the fast. This was what the period leading up to Christmas used to be about: we did without things in order to learn what is truly essential and to appreciate them more when we enjoyed them again.

• The feast is far sweeter when it follows the fast.

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” Andy Warhol

Envy

2011-12-10T15:11:00.000Z

N.B. All of the following 15 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

It is interesting that today’s reading in DNCIC is about advertising, and parents feeling the pressure to buy their children all the stuff they want but probably don’t need. I was shopping with a bunch of teenagers today. They were generally looking/buying stuff for their friends, but every now and again they saw some things that they thought were cool and expressed sudden strong wishes to have theme. If they had never entered those shops, never known about those things, would they have missed them? Not at all.

There is something in the human psyche that makes us want stuff we see. What is up with that? ‘Monkey see, monkey want’ comes to mind. Perhaps the ability to resist the urge to suddenly need everything you see comes with maturity. (And I don’t mean getting older, because there are plenty of 50-year olds that suddenly ‘need’ the latest phone/car/clothes/haircut because they’ve seen someone else with it.) Perhaps that is why God felt the need to include this kind of ‘wanting’ in the 10 commandments. “Do not covet your neighbours wife, or your neighbours donkey.” God knew what kind of trouble this envious longing for stuff that other people have would get us into trouble.

I don’t suppose many people in the developed world could get themselves into debt just by buying the essentials. They say the level of personal debt has risen dramatically in the last few decades. Instead of saving for things, people will buy on credit, and so begins the spiral of never ending credit-card payments, loans from the bank, etc. If you can’t afford the car – don’t buy it. If you can’t afford a fancy holiday abroad, don’t go. If buying that laptop means you can’t afford to buy food this week, sort your priorities out! If buying those fancy trainers means you can’t put money in the offering plate this week – what are you really valuing?

There are hundreds, perhaps thousands, of verses in the Bible that teach us about money and the issues it causes. I can’t help but thinking many Christians are so caught up in the monetary and consumer ways of the world that they don’t even see a problem with it. Let me put it this way – how many hours away from your family are you going to have to work to pay for those presents this Christmas? The greatest present we can give our family is time.

Stuff bought out of guilt will soon lose its uniqueness. Anything electrical you buy will be out-of-date by the time it’s unwrapped. If you want something to be ‘cool’ and popular – what kind of relationships are you building with those around you? That you have to be the best, with all the latest stuff? Good for you. The first shall be last in heaven.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

• Are you planning to give your children everything they want this Christmas except the one thing they need the most – which is you?

• Have you made time to be there for their nativity play, Christingle service or end-of-term show?

• Are you going to sit down with them and talk through what they really want for Chrsitmas?

• Do nothing together. Idle away some time, fold up some paper and make some snowflakes to stick on the window; bake some mince pies together; plan some silly games to play at Christmas. Conversation often flows best when you are happily muddling away together at something like this.

“If a child is to keep alive his inborn sense of wonder, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in.” Rachel Carson

Longing

2011-12-09T23:59:00.000Z

N.B. All of the following 16 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

We had a discussion at Youth Club today about whether Jesus knew from a really young age what his life was for, the reason for him being on earth. Was it at the moment of baptism, or at his coming of age, or after he started his ministry? At what point did he know that he was going to die. Perhaps during the 40 days in the desert post-baptism, God spoke to him. I know that it’s something we’re never going to know for sure, but its interesting to hear different people’s perspectives and reasoning.

I guess it’s almost a question we all ask of ourselves during our lives – what is my purpose? Some will say to make others happy, to share love, to enjoy life. Some will have shallower answers, some deeper, and perhaps others will say there is no purpose what so ever. There’s probably a few who say the figuring out of our purpose is our purpose… but that just doesn’t quite sit right with me.

In my core, I believe that as beings made in God’s image, without God we are left with a longing, a deep sense of ‘something else’ that can’t be filled with the stuff of this world. (A God-shaped hole, if you must.) Maybe our purpose is to discover that we have a longing, and discover that only God alone can fulfil it. I do believe that there is a purpose for all of our lives. Some of us are supposed to teach, some to preach, some to encourage. All of us should love. All of us should care. All of us should live as Jesus taught, with the deeper purpose of seeking God more and more in our lives. Not seeking what God can do, but seeking God himself. Our purpose should be driven by our longing for our Father, the Almighty God.

“Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you.” Matthew 6:33

DNCIC recommendations for today:

• Treat yourself to a few minutes of stillness today. See what a difference it makes.

• Listen to a piece of music, or read a poem, or just dare to be silent, listening to your own breathing. Peel back the layers of your subterfuge and denial and look again at what your heart longs for and what it believes.

• What are the things that get you back in touch with yourself? Treat yourself to a dose of whatever tickles your fancy; or at least schedule it in for those days after Christmas when you might even have some time – not to kill – but to ravish!

• All the major religions teach about the value of prayer, stillness, solitude and silence. It is possible to build these things into our lives. Find our more about the fine art of doing nothing.

“No one in the world can alter truth. All we can do is seek it and live it.” Maximilian Kolbe

Homeless

2011-12-08T22:05:00.000Z

N.B. All of the following 17 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’ Today I have actually decided to just type the entire reading for today as it ties in with so much of what I said yesterday.

What is the sound of one cracker being pulled? What about all the people who will be on their own at Christmas? What about those who don’t have a home, let alone a dining room?

About half a million people spend Christmas on their own each year. Some do this out of choice, preferring the solitude of their own company to the forced merriment of others. Some do not. Many people are just isolated, alienated, forgotten or abandoned. The overcrowded noisiness of our busy, prosperous culture can be the loneliest place on earth. Some people can go through a whole day with very little human contact. Everything is automated. We interact with our computers and our phones, but not with each other. We know the names of those who live in Albert Square. We’ve barely spoken to our own next door neighbour.

There’s another vast number of people who don’t have any home at all. Nobody is sure how many, but last Christmas the charity Crisis served 35, 000 meals in it’s shelters across London. Then there are half a million or so ‘hidden homeless’: people living in squats and bedsit, families in temporary accommodation, people sleeping on a friend’s sofa.

What is the one thing everyone remembers from the Christmas story? There was no room at the inn. God entered the world through the experience of homelessness and the rejection and isolation that goes with it. How can we reach out to those whose experience is the same today?

On Tuesday, after I had walked Beth home from GB I decided not to take the shortest route home, which meant walking up a dark, quiet road. Instead I took a longer way, which included walking up a main shopping road. It was about 10pm, and all but the mini-supermarkets and fast food restaurants were closed. As I was walking, I saw a guy sitting in the doorway of a shop covered with a duvet on the opposite side of the road. It was a cold night, but he was merrily chatting away to the few passers-by. At first I hurried by, eager to get home and buy a few bits from Tesco before they shut. However, after coming out of Tesco, my conscience got the better of my and I couldn’t walk away.

Anyway, I got Bob* and his friend some milk, (he asked for it) and sat down in the doorway next to them for a chat. The first thing I could smell was beer, which I can’t stand the smell of, but I gave them the benefit of the doubt (A lot of homeless people drink just so they don’t feel the cold as much.) and we had a good ole chat. Bob started telling me about this ‘squat’ that they’d discovered, how big it was, what it looked like etc, and how it even had running water. After a good hour, he was dying to show me this house, so once I promised I’d come along and have a look. (Yes, it was crazy but he was really friendly, if a little drunk.)

After an hour of sitting with Bob and Charlie* in a smelly, damp upstairs “bedroom” of this house (which was in fact every bit as awesome as Bob said… though it was now derelict and pretty dark by that point) with only a few small candles for light and warmth, I made my exit and headed home. Once I was out in the fresh air, I stopped for a moment to gather myself. Had that really just happened? It was perhaps the most surreal experience of my life, and yet the most human. I had never imagined, at the start of the day, that I would end it sitting in a dark, smelly, squat house with a few homeless blokes, and yet I had never been so comfortable with complete strangers. I have experienced poverty, but never so close to my own home. I don’t think I had ever relied as fully on the strength of God as during that hour.

* Yes they’re fake names. I don’t want to get him into trouble.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

• Do you know anyone who might be alone this Christmas?

• What could you do to offer them company?

• Find out about what happens in your local community to support homeless people. As well as national charities like Crisis and Shelter there are often local projects and centres that need support. Offer them some help. Take them some food and warm clothing.

“The greatest suffering is being lonely, feeling unloved, having no-one. I have come more and more to realize that it is being unwanted that is the worst disease that any human being can ever experience.” Mother Teresa of Calcutta

Dinner

2011-12-07T23:03:00.000Z

N.B. All of the following 18 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

I don’t like eating alone. In fact, I don’t even much enjoy living alone, hence the cat. It’s quite depressing to come home after a long day knowing that the next time you will speak to another human being will be either the Pizza delivery man, or when you return to work the next day. Living alone makes cooking a chore. Especially in the winter when the nights are long and cold.

I was born into a house full of people: Mum, Dad, Mel, Laura, David and Stephen (eventually) plus the various pets. Even after my sisters went off to University there were still a few different children around that my Mum looked after during the days. Our house was never quiet. I was very rarely alone. But I loved it. Sure, sometimes brothers can be a right pain in the backside, but it was life. Most Christmas’s back then my Aunt, Uncle and Cousin would come and stay, and Nan and Granddad would come to Christmas dinner too. There were often 13 or so of us squeezed round the dinner table. That was normal.

Unfortunately as I got older, life began to change. Mum stopped looking after kids, Dad started working again, Mel and Laura both settled elsewhere for good. During my teenage years, Mum and Dad separated, and then even David left home. Seven went down to three: Me, Mum and Stephen. Loneliness set in. I’m not surprised now why so many of my friends spent lots of time at my house. The house needed more people. It was too empty. Too quiet. There would be days when I would leave the house in the morning having not spoken a word to anyone, return home, spend the evening in my room until I went out, and then returned to my room immediately, having no conversation with my family other than “I’m going out!” or “I’m home!” I guess that’s part of the reason I’m not a bit fan of living alone now. Long days and nights remind me too much of that part of my life.

Things at home are a lot different now. A lot of the hurt from that time has healed, and we’ve all moved on. Mel, Laura and David are all married now. Mel and Jon have a gorgeous little one called Layla (who will be 3 in a few weeks!) As well as being my niece she’s my God-daughter too, and I love her to the moon and back. Mum and Dad are both in new relationships, (so now I kinda have 4 parents… great!) David has a couple of little kids too, and Stephen is no longer my ‘little’ brother, and will most days appear with a massive beard/moustache. His friends have replaced mine on the living room sofas. They’ve all moved on with their lives. I can’t help feeling I’m stuck.

A big part of Christmas is family. Sitting round the Dining Room table, swapping stories and (in my families case) toilet jokes. Laughing over current matters, funny comments and stupid things celebrities have done recently, all the while scoffing down huge portions of meat, vegetables and fizzy drinks. Sharing a meal together is part of sharing life together: even though we don’t live on top of one another any more, it’s an important part of our lives, to be together for special occasions.

Cottrell says: “We don’t invite people round to dinner because we think they’re hungry. We invite them round for their company. It’s the human craving for friendship and community that we need to fill.”

If I’m going to make any New Year’s resolutions this year it is to invite more people round to dinner. (If they can endure my cooking!) To share life with people. I’m pretty fed up of living on my own to be honest. If you want to come round anytime, just come. (Although if you want to eat let me know so I can make sure I have food in the fridge…) A good friend once said to me: “Mi casa, en su casa.” (My house is your house.) If you just read that, it applies to you too. And who knows. Maybe in sharing life with more people, that loneliness that sits in the depth of my stomach will begin to fade.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

• Get out the recipe book. Making a Christmas cake or a Christmas pudding is not that hard and not that expensive. And if you have someone else to do it with, all the better!

• Bring back mealtimes! Start a new regime where dinner is on the table at a certain time and you all sit together.

• And who else will you invite?

• And say grace before you start. Even if you can’t give thanks to God, be thankful that there is food on your table when so many in the world today have nothing.

“No matter how busy our current lifestyles are, or what is going on outside, family meals are important… I am determined to get families back around the table.” Gordon Ramsey

Wonder

2011-12-06T23:58:00.000Z

N.B. All of the following 19 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

Have you ever spent any length of time watching the stars? They are fascinating, beautiful, far too many to count. And on that first Christmas there was a star shining, brighter than any of the others we have seen. With what wonder must those first travellers; the vast assembly of wise men from lands afar (yes, there were probably more than three wise men); have gazed upon that first Christmas star, the one leading them to the child: the most important person they were ever going to meet. The star that guided them night and day, across desert, field, town and country to the King of all the universe! What awe must have filled them as they travelled, thinking about the King that they were going to meet. I wonder what visions of great palaces and mountains of wealth and goodness filled their heads as they travelled.

And when they arrived, (after making a short stop at Herod’s palace) they found small boy. A tiny child, whose eyes would have filled with wonder and curiosity at the sight of these strange travellers, bearing gifts quite un-useful for a toddler. How much would Jesus have known at such a young age, and what treasured memories would have been stored up in the hearts of Mary and Joseph. All parents must wonder what their child is going to be like when they grow up. Jesus was the Saviour of the World, but in what capacity. What marvellous things was he going to do? It was no wonder that Mary seemed hurried to get him started at the wedding at Cana. She’d been waiting 30ish years since the Angel first visited her, giving her the news that would change her life forever. Did she know that in 33 years she would watch as her son was brutally tortured and nailed on a cross to die? I wonder.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

• What stars are you following? What do you really want to get out of life? It doesn’t say on anyone’s gravestone, they wished they’d spent more time at the office!

• What angels will visit you today? What messages are you listening to? Those siren voices complaining that you aren’t good enough, rich enough, clever enough, attractive enough? Or the voices of affirmation that say to you, like they said to Mary, that God thinks you’re OK, that he has a purpose for your life, that he can be alive in you. The word angel means ‘messenger’. There are messages for you today.

• And why not buy a real ever-new, evergreen Christmas tree in a pot this year, and then you can keep it for next year too!

• If you have a cut tree, make sure you recycle it! 90% never are!

“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall!” Larry Wilde

Debts

2011-12-05T23:34:00.000Z

N.B. All of the following 20 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

So many people think the Christmas season is about buying stuff. (In actual fact so many people think life is about buying stuff… but we’ll leave that for now.) As much as I love giving gifts to those I love, and enjoy sharing what I have with others, I don’t ever think that should be limited to the month of December.

Giving is more than spending money on a present that the receiver may or may not want, and may or may not leave in a box until they can find someone else to give it to. Giving is about the surrendering of your own agenda. It’s about listening to a friend, and not wanting to jump in with your own stories. It’s about being able to just be in silence with someone else. It’s about remembering to ask them how their day was before moaning about your own. It’s about recognising when they’re having a really crap day, but trying not to show it. It’s about the encouraging smile or wink that you sneak in when no-one else is looking. Christmas may include the giving and receiving of hundreds of pounds worth of presents for you – but don’t forget to give yourself to your loved ones. Chances are they’ll remember that gift much longer than the one in the wrapping paper.

DNCIC recommendations for today:

• Cut up the credit cards now. If things are really that bad, then there’s really no alternative.

• Only use cash. It will help you keep a better check on how much you’re spending.

• Do another quick bit of mental arithmetic. How much do you earn? How much can you afford? What can you realistically spend on Christmas this year?

• For help with debt, phone the National Debtline on 0808 8084000 or go to the Citizens Advice Bureau website, www.adviceguide.org.uk. The Christian Stewardship website www.stewardship.org.uk also has lots of helpful information including a Christmas challenge and top ten tips for financial management at Christmas. Or look at the Church of England’s Matter of Life or Debt pages www.cofe.anglican.org/debt.

• And what other debts do you have? What outstanding claims of love, forgiveness, generosity and mercy do you owe, and how will you pay them?

“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.”

Myths

2011-12-04T16:05:00.000Z

N.B. All of the following 21 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

Our church, like many others, is putting on a Nativityplay again this year. It is filled with the usual array of songs, angel-likechildren playing innkeepers, shepherds and King’s, while Mary and Josephblissfully arrive at the front of stage with a manger of straw and a few humanlooking animals. It will be delightful I’m sure, and parents will beam withpride as their children sing sweetly on the stage in groups. And hey, peoplewill even enjoy it and clap etc. But once again, I am left wondered what kindof true message we are sending to the world at Christmas.

Do you know anyone who lives in a family where theparents, in the midst of hardship and pain sing a song, completely agree andsupport each other and never once lose their temper, get frustrated or argue?I’m not saying that good marriages don’t exist (I have been lucky to see a fewin my time) but there is often so little reality in the Nativity story put onby schools, churches and youth groups that I struggle to understand why we doit like that.

“The story of familylife at the heart of the Christmas story is radically different. Mary is ateenage mum. Pregnant outside ofmarriage, she is almost abandoned and then wonderfully supported by herhusband-to-be. About to give birth, they travel great distances in order toconform to the tax regulations of an occupying foreign power. There is nowherefor the child to be born, so Mary ends up giving birth in a cowshed at the backof a pub. There was no midwife. No gas and air. No clean sheets. No epidural.”Stephen Cottrell

This is the story that is written about in the Bible, thestory of Jesus’ entering into the world a human baby. Can I emphasise the HUMANin that sentence? He was willing to put his life into the hands of a humanmother, a young girl, that the pain and suffering in the world would becomepart of his pain and suffering, the frustrations and joys of being alive onearth would become his. Do you know many new-born babies that settle down tosleep and never cry? Ask any new parent how much sleep they’ve been getting andyou’d come a lot closer to your answer than to read the lyrics of ‘Away in aManger’.

So this Christmas, don’t feel like your family is not likeevery other family. Don’t spend time wishing you were somewhere else. Justenjoy them. Enjoy the time that you have with them. And don’t regret a singlemoment of it.

DNCIC recommendations:

Pickup the phone…
…or at least send a text or an email, but not one that adds to people’s burdens,demanding a reply – just something to let someone know that you are thinking ofthem.
Imagineyourself into the shoes of a family member, especially one you’re findingdifficult. What are you like to them? And what are the challenges they arefacing?
Tryto spend a few moments each day thinking and praying for your family. Christmasis often the time when families get together and often the time when they fallapart. Think through what your family is facing, and pour some goodwill intothem.

“If only God wouldgive me some clear sign. Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swissbank.” Woody Allen

Gifts

2011-12-03T23:56:00.000Z

N.B. All of the following 22 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

Do you know what I really want this Christmas? Iwant to be in the Philippines.I want to see the kids I know and love so much. I want to be able to hug them,tell them I love them and enjoy their innocent playful nature withoutrestriction. I want to discover a bit of meaning and purpose. I want somereassurance that love can last. That people can still fall in love, and getmarried and make it last long enough to see retirement through. I want tolaugh, and not feel guilty about laughing. To feel good, and not be wonderingwhen something will happen that will shatter that. To enjoy some time off, andnot dread going back to work. To not feel like there are a million things Ineed to be doing. To be able to have hope in a future that means something.That’s what I’m really hoping for this Christmas.

Dareto find some time to stop and be still, if only for a few minutes. Ask whattruly brings you joy and comfort, and see how this could become part of yourChristmas celebration.
Inwhich case, for Christmas I would like a long walk in the countryside… or a hotbath… or to lie on the floor and listen to a piece of music. But what aboutyou? What is your deepest wish? What would you really like?
Andwhat do you want for the world?

“Blessedis the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.” Hamilton Wright Mabie.

Hypocrite

2011-12-02T20:52:00.000Z

N.B. All of the following 23 blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by Stephen Cottrell, ‘an advent calendar with a difference.’

Why is it that everyone expects everything to beokay at Christmas? And that people spend so much time buying presents for thepeople they love rather than just spending all time they waste down the shopswith them?

Why do so many people wonder why young peopleact so spoilt, selfish and individualistic when the adults of the previousgeneration act the same way? Spending money that you can’t afford on anexpensive all-you-can-dream-of-gadget-phone because you’ve lied to yourself somuch that you believe that you really need it and then not putting a singlepenny in the offering plate at church because you ‘can’t afford it’ is no lessselfish.

No you don’t ‘need’ that 60-inch plasma screenTV, no you don’t ‘need’ that brand new car while the old one still works, northat touch screen tablet computer, nor that £120 pair of trainers that wereprobably made by small child slaves… did you know that there are kids starvingin the world? In fact, did you know that there’s probably a homeless guysleeping not that far from where you’re reading this right now? Did you know there’sprobably someone sitting near you in church worrying about how they are goingto afford the rent this Christmas? If only we were all capable of opening oureyes and looking further than our own interests.

I’m not saying this because I’ve got it allsorted. I’m just more aware of how much of a hypocrite I am. I’m aware thatthere is major problems with the way I live my life compared to the way Ishould be living it. And I get frustrated when I look around at all the‘Christians’ in churches who don’t seem to be aware of the issues, who appearto be able to sleep soundly at night, apparently content with their input inGod’s wonderful plan for the world. That’s nice for them. But I’d rather livein the truth, knowing the suffering and striving to do something about it, thanto sleep soundly in ignorance my whole life.

I’ve asked not to receive presents this year.And apparently that annoys some people. I’m not trying to be ungrateful. I’mnot saying that I don’t appreciate the sentiment. I am just trying to learn howto live with less stuff this year, and it’s hard to do that when I am receivinga pile of gifts at Christmas. If anyone reading this is really desperate to getme a gift this year, buy me a book. There are hundreds of books I am dying toread, to help me to understand God, love and life better. Check out my Amazonwishlist.

Anyway, back to the book: DNCIC:

Giveeveryone the same thing. Choose one book that you love and buy everyone a copy.
Insteadof spending a fortune at the shops – let alone the time and hassle – makeeveryone a jar of marmalade, or pick some onions. This could all be done in oneevening.
Agreewith your family and friends that you will all buy and receive one present withan agreed price limit.
Buyeveryone a present from charities such as Christian Aid or Oxfam and help theworld in the process. Contact www.oxfam.org.ukor www.christianaid.org.uk. Andthere are lots of other charities that offer ways of giving presents that helpothers.

“Pleasenote: Christmas has been cancelled this year. Apparently you told Santa youhave been good this year. He died laughing.” Anonymous.

Advent

2011-12-01T17:48:00.000Z

N.B. All of the following 24blogs are because I am reading ‘Do Nothing, Christmas Is Coming’ by StephenCottrell, ‘an advent calendar with adifference.’

Firstly I must apologise for my extreme lack ofblogging this year. There are a number of reasons for this: I have discoveredtwitter, I am doing a degree, and I no longer have the internet at home. Thatand I may have just run out of interesting things to say. Anyway, I doubt anyof you are that bothered, so I’ll finish the excuses there.

So it’s the first of December, and every wherechildren and young people are scoffing their way through the first day (plus afew!) of their advent calendars, while parents come to a shock reality thatit’s only 24 days till ‘C-Day’. I remember when I was younger my Mum used tomake our advent calendars in little cotton bags – and each year we were given adifferent coloured used to tie the bags. The bags would hang randomly aroundthe dado rail in the hall-way and each day we would have to search for the rightnumber, and then perform some kind of balancing circus trick in order toretrieve them. We would all get something different, but Mum would alwaysensure that everyone got the same amount of stuff over the 24 days. It probablytook lot s of organising: Thanks Mum. J

Nowadays I don’t have an advent calendar. Infact most years the 1^st December comes and goes and it’s only whenit hits around the 18^th December that I realise that Christmas isjust around the corner. Cottrell says there are 4 stages of Christmas:

1. You believe in Father Christmas.

2. You don’t believe in Father Christmas.

3. You are Father Christmas.

4. You look like Father Christmas. (I guess this only applies to men….)

I guess I have been at stage 2 for at least 14years, and will probably continue to be so for a while yet. This year, I amlooking forward to Christmas, or at least Christmas being over with. This yearhas been a long one for many reasons, and I’m ready for it to be over now. 2011was supposed to be so full of hope. It was supposed to be full ofopportunities. It was supposed to be the year when everything started to fallinto place. I’m not sure if I’m giving up too early but I don’t think itdelivered. Maybe I just expected too much too soon.

Anyway, DNCIC gives a few recommendations everyday of things to help you to stop, calm down and remember the ‘reason for theseason.’ (I’ll list them at the end of every blog.) Anyway, TODAY:

· Writea Christmas wish list – not things you want to consume or purchase, but thingsto believe in, things to hope for.

· Pruneyour Christmas card list.

· Atleast make sure it is Charity cards you buy.

· Don’twrite: ‘Must see you this year’ on your cards unless you actually mean it. Andif you don’t mean it, why are you sending this card at all?

· Helpsave the planet and send an email-card, and then a note about which charity themoney saved has been sent to.

· Andwith all the time you’ve saved, put your feet up for an hour!

“Why isChristmas like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy in thesuit gets all the credit.” OgdenNash.

Divine Hugs

2011-07-20T19:32:00.001+01:00

It's 9.30am on a Tuesday and already you're feeling pulled in a million different directions. Then it's Tuesday evening, and the busy day has faded into memories and smiles. Soon it's 2am but there's still no chance of sleep. Wednesday morning is filled with expectations - there is so much to do. But the weather is looking good and the day goes well, filled with conversation and the building of friendships. But eventually everyone else goes home, and you have to finish this work that you started some hours before. At 6pm it starts to rain, and all of a sudden that tape that is holding your life together starts to rip, and gradually, gradually, the tears begin to flow. You find yourself looking through photo's of years gone by, and suddenly the people that are missing in your life seem so far away. You realise that you didn't see the time slipping through your fingers.

Breakfast

2011-06-03T21:58:00.044+01:00

N.B. I've just been on a five day camp in some woods in Lincolnshire... and realised how much I love being outside in natural surroundings. Southend is not so much fun. :(

Have you ever been up so early enough to watch the sunrise? It's a beautiful sight, if the sky is clear, watching the world awaken before your very eyes. I don't often get up that early, although more so in the Philippines because I'm not and sticky and my body clock is all out of sync, but whilst on camp I got up early a few times... mainly because I was cold and uncomfortable.

The last morning on camp we slept out in the woods in makeshift bivvy shelters, and lived on army ration packs for 24 hours, which was a fun adventure. :) But the most beautiful part for me was wakening early on Friday morning, around 5am (again, because of the cold). I decided to get up and make a fire to warm me up, so I set off in the breaking light of the dawn to collect some wood and stuff to get the glowing embers from the night before going again.

As I was wandering through the woods, I noticed the sunlight shining through the trees, so fetched my camera and took the pic (above.) I spent a few minutes standing, feeling the warmth of the sun as it pierced the dark landscape around me, scattering across the woodland floor. And as I began to build the fire and watched the flames slowly grow and surround the twigs and branches, my mind cast back to that passage of Jesus in John 21 as he stands on the shore early in the morning talking to his disciples before he makes breakfast for them.

There are no specific details in the text about how Jesus made the breakfast, but building my fire in the musky light of dawn, I was touched by this great sense of entering into the humanness of that action. Hands that surrendered to nails, collecting some wood, carefully constructing a fire, lighting the tinder... there were no such thing as matches those days... which method did Jesus use to light the fire? How long did it take him? Did he have all the frustrations of me and my friends of desperately trying to keep the small flame aglow? I wonder how tenderly those hands prepared the fish, did he singe a finger or two in the heat of the fire? All these questions may seem so insignificant, but entering into such a human act, brings the enormousness of what such a perfect man as Jesus was prepared to undergo in the suffering of the cross, that much closer to home. God bless you. x

Gratitude

2011-05-18T16:16:00.002+01:00

N.B. I've been so moody of late. Not entirely sure why. Might just be the stress of the final weeks of college, and the lack of sleep. Who knows. Anyways, so I just wanted to note that I am so thankful of the life I have had, and that I appreciate so much how easy it has really been.

July is approaching and so forth the start of my challenge. A lot has been purged to family, friends and other randoms, and I must say I am feeling better for the space and clarity it has given me in my head. I don't like feeling cluttered - it makes me feel trapped physically and emotionally. So having a bit more room to dance around is nice. :)

So, the list is written (see below). No doubt a few more things will be added as I find them (or fail to get rid of them before July) but I'm pretty happy with it. Feel free to question me at all. I'm open to questions. There are a few more things that I have decided not to place on my list, for example:
- Shampoo etc. This is basically because it's hygiene. I don't buy expensive washing equipment... the basics is good enough for me.
- Towel's. (again - hygiene, though I have only kept 2!) and other bed linen/blankets. This is because they will count as part of my bed when they are being used.
- Household Items such as the hoover, dust pan and brush, mop, bucket, tape measure, screw driver etc.
- Items that I have/need specifically for work or University. This is because these items are not part of my personal spending. (E.g. Work Phone, USB stick, Diary etc.)
- Digital Items – such as music and photographs.

My Challenge List - as of 18th May 2011.

1. My Bed
2. One small Table
3. One chest of Drawers
4. TV
5. DVD Player
6. Camp Chair
7. Bedside lamp
8. Black Rug
9. Glasses
10. One Bible (NIV Translation)
11. Camera (Lead & SD Card)
12. iPod (Earphones & Connector)
13. Mobile Phone (My non work phone)
14. Wallet
15. Backpack
16. One Journal
17. Pencil Case
18. Sentimental Jewellery [One ring, and bracelets from the Philippines/friends]
19. One Library
20. Memory Box (Mostly paper and cards from children/young people and friends)
21. Guitar (Capo, Picks, Strap, Case)
22. Saxophone
23. 3x3 Rubiks Cube
24. Isaac & Rabbit (the two cuddly toys that sleep in my bed.)
25. Photo Albums
26. Philippines Flag
27. Sleeping Bag
28. Bike
29. Bike Lock
30. Camp blanket
31. Suitcase
32. Toothbrush
33. Wash Bag
34. Small bag of make-up (for weddings)
35. Hair brush
36. Hair straighteners
37. Razor
38. First Aid Kit
39. Socks
40. Pants
41. Bras
42. Grey Hat
43. Swimming Costume
44. Goggles
45. Orange Ethletics
46. Black Converse
47. Red Converse
48. White trainers (Elements)
49. Grey Vans
50. Wellies
51. Jeans
52. Jeans
53. ¾ Combats
54. Grey Jean-shorts
55. Black Skinnies
56. Black jogging bottoms
57. Black shorts
58. Man Hoodie
59. Fila Hoodie
60. Easy Hoodie
61. Black Zippy
62. OC Hoodie
63. LLLL Hoodie
64. Youthworker Hoodie
65. Black jumper
66. Apo Island T-Shirt (black)
67. 8:32 T-Shirt
68. Counting Crows T-Shirt
69. Black T-Shirt
70. Fila T-Shirt
71. Kabankalan T-Shirt
72. Filipino Sun T-Shirt
73. S-S Black T-Shirt (tight)
74. S-S Black T-Shirt (tight)
75. L-S Black T-Shirt (tight)
76. L-S Black T-Shirt
77. L-S Black T-Shirt
78. S-S Turquoise Shirt
79. Black tie
80. L-S Shirt (black)
81. L-S Long Shirt (grey/black)
82. L-S Smart Shirt (white/black)
83. Smart purple jumper
84. Smart Trousers (black)
85. Black skirt
86. Colourful skirt
87. Black leggings
88. White leggings
89. Long black leggings (winter)
90. Green Dress
91. Pyjamas (summer)
92. Pyjamas (summer)
93. Pyjamas (winter)
94. Blue Scarf
95. Winter Coat
96. Waterproof coat

Girl

2011-05-01T22:51:00.003+01:00

I've had a lovely afternoon down the beach with some kiddies, but my absolute favourite conversation of the day went like this:

Hannah: My friend nearly got stolen by a stranger once.
Ami: Well that's why I like you to stay where I can see you. Because I don't want anybody to take you away!
Hannah: That's okay, you just kick them in the balls!
Ami: *hysterical laughter!*

I didn't actually get the chance to enquire about who taught her that...

Overwhelmed

2011-04-25T20:10:00.000+01:00

N.B. If you are any sort of regular reader of this thing... which I doubt you are... then you'll know that every now and again I just have to let it out. This is one of those blogs.

Overwhelmed. That's how I feel today. And for once, I realise a little bit why. I'm 22, and I'm not yet in charge of my own life. My life has; thus far; been dictated to me. And even now as a student, much of what should give me independance... doesn't. I am constantly at the beck and call of deadlines, assignments, stuff I have to do for work, when I get paid (or don't.), when I can have time off. The Government tells me what I have to pay, what opportunities I have for my life... how the future is going to be. Culture dictates what makes me cool (or not cool is more the point). Adverts tell me that if I don't have the latest iPhone/Blackberry/Dell computer then I am a loser. (And well... I guess that makes me a loser.)

Actually, all of that doesn't really matter that much. I guess that's why I also have this underlying feeling of complete and utter guilt. Because all of these things that are making me feel a bit pants shouldn't. Because ultimately, God is in charge of all of those things. But I guess it's that this feeling is stopping me doing what I want to be doing - amazing things through and for God. Right now I am powerless and completely penniless... and there is nothing I can do about it. *sigh*

Thankful

2011-04-23T23:07:00.000+01:00

Whilst reading the 'Enough' book, it spends some time suggesting how modern people can break out of the pressure of desperately needing more and more things to be fulfilled. One suggestion is to learn to be grateful for things that we so often take for granted. John Naish (the guy who wrote the book) talks about the Three Beautiful Things blog in which the author writes each day about three things that she is grateful for. I've read a few entries and I really like the idea. It is similar to the daily thankfulness I tried last year, (when I used my FB status each day to give thanks for something instead of complaining about something), and also the 1000 Awesome Things blog which is also highly amusing.

Sometimes they seem really random, but I think that in learning to be grateful for that which we have, we un-learn the need to have 'more' in all areas of our life. So I thought I'd give it a go and see how I get on. I guess for me it all seems highly fitting in this time of 'reassessing' my needs - and learning to let go of so much that has made life comfortable over the 22 years, 3 weeks and 2 days that I have spent on this earth. So here goes.

Today I am thankful for:

Sunshine alarm clocks.

Both in my flat in Southend and when at home-home in Brentwood, an alarm clock is a rather over-rated thing, as Mr Sun will often do the job just as adequately. But there is something deeply warming about waking up to sunlight on your face that sets the day up to be something wonderful.

A Toddlers Secret Language

I love my niece. (Have I mentioned before?) In a year I have gone from being 'Amamama', to 'Ami-sh' to 'Amana', and I think I am at last Auntie Ami. But there is something about the time I spend with her that is refreshing, heart-warming, and most of the time, deeply hilarious. At only 2 years, 4 months old, she hasn't quite grasped the English language in all it's fullness (well, who has?) and so much of the time, conversations with her often require a great deal of guessing or bluffing. Today we had almost a ten minute conversation with me having absolutely no clue at all what she was saying. She didn't seem all that fussed. My bluffing must be good! Anyway, I love that when she says 'oooff-gho', I know she means 'Let's go!'

Cousins

Today I spent some time with my cousins, whom I haven't seen much of in the last few years, mainly because of me being away in Southend. Anyways, they're 12-year-old triplets that I used to love spending time with when I was younger, and today, I spent a few hours reminiscing with them and telling them all about funny little things they used to do. It was great fun. It's strange really though, having family whose parent is a sibling of your parent (meaning they grew up together) and yet often cousins have lifes completely different to yours. Anyways, it was so cool, spending time with these 12-year olds who I used to see really often, and realising all of a sudden that they are people who have their own ideas, opinions, but you have this weird deep connection, even though you haven't seen each other for ages... and you could actually have some kind of an impact on how they see the world. I mean, when I was their age, I looked up to the older cousins of the family, but I've never really thought that the Triplets might do that to me. In a way I hope they do, and I hope that I teach them something fantastic about the world. I dunno... It's something I'm thankful for.

Okay, that's it. I'm gonna shut up now cause I've blogged more in the last few days than the last year altogether! May God bless you and may you learn something fantastic about His love for you this Easter.

Meaning

2011-04-22T09:00:00.001+01:00

N.B. The following is apparently the Purpose Driven declaration, by Rick Warren. I found it on a piece of paper in my memory box, read it, and decided yeah! That's it. That's what I'm doing! So even though I could probably quite easily copy and paste it from the internet, I'm not going to. Because I mean every word, I'm going to type every word.

"Today I am stepping across the line. I'm tired of waffling and I'm finished with wavering, I've made my choice, the verdict is in, and my decision is irrevocable. I'm going God's way. There's no turning back now!

I will live the rest of my life serving God's purposes with God's people on God's planet for God's glory. I will use my life to celebrate His presence, cultivate His character, participate in His family, demonstrate His love, and communicate His word.

Since my past has been forgiven, adn I have a purpose for living, and a home awaiting in heaven, I refuse to waste any more time or energy on shallow living, petty thinking, trivial talking, thoughtless doing, useless regretting, hurtful resenting, or faithless worrying. Instead I will magnify God, grow to maturity, serve in ministry, and fulfill my mission in the membership of his family.

Because this life is preparation for the next, I will value worship over wealth, "we" over "me", character over comfort, service over status, and people over possessions, position and pleasures. I know what matters most, and I'll give it all I've got. I'll do the best I can with what I have for Jesus Christ today.

I won't be captivated by culture, manipulated by critics, motivated by praise, frustrated by problems, debilitated by temptation, or intimidated by the devil. I'll keep running my race with my eyes on the goal, not the sidelines or those running by me. When times get tough, and I get tired, I won't back up, back off, back down, back down or back slide. I'll just keep moving forward by God's grace. I'm Spirit-led, living on purpose, and mission-focused, so I cannot be bought, I will not be compromised, and I shall not quit until I finish the race.

I'm a trophy of God's amazing grace, so I will be gracious to everyone, grateful for every day, and generous with everything God entrusts to me.

To my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, I say, "However, whenever, wherever and whatever you ask me to do, my answer in advance is YES! Wherever you lead and whatever the cost, I'm ready. Anytime. Anywhere. Anyway. Whatever it takes Lord: whatever it takes! I want to be used by you in such a way, that on that final day I'll hear you say: "Well done thou good and faithful one. Come on in, and let the eternal party begin!"

So there you have it! It's gonna be hard, uncomfortable, and painful, but boy, it is going to be worth it! Praise God!!

Enough

2011-04-20T20:48:00.019+01:00

N.B. Just finished reading this book: Enough by John Naish. Absolutely excellent book that deals with many of the issues surrounding the culture of consuming and gaining more-more more in everything we have - and gives practical advice to people who have realised that what they actually have is 'enough' and no more is needed - or even people who don't know how to reach the point of 'enoughness' and instead spend countless amounts of time, money and energy continually searching for fulfillment in stuff, information, status, work etc.

The only thing that would make this book better for me is if the guy who wrote it brought in a stronger Biblical reference - many of the things he says are theologically sound, but as a pro-evolution non-Christian sometimes there is too much evolutionary talk and not enough humans taking responsibility for their own actions and acting the way that God has commanding us. I'd love to meet this guy and chat through the deeper meanings of many of the things he says, and get a better understanding of where he thinks the place for faith and the Bible have in the lifestyle that he promotes.

Anyway, I have begun to sort through the stuff that occupies nearly every space available in my flat. That might sound like I have a ridiculous amount of stuff... I actually don't, but I definately have more than I need. I sorted through my memory box and actually ended up throwing half of it away. I actually find it more rewarding to have empty space than to have boxes full of things that I don't need. And, for most of my sorting I was joined by next door's cat who whenever I have the patio doors open gets confused about where he lives and comes and explores my flat, meowing loudly everytime he comes across something he's not seen before. Bless.

Things

2011-04-14T16:21:00.001+01:00

N.B. I've rediscovered my purpose for life, but reading this book: The 100 Thing Challenge by Dave Bruno. It's absolutely fantastic, highly recommended by me!

So, what's this all about you ask, and what on earth is the 100 thing challenge? Well, it is where an individual seeks to live for a certain period of time with only 100 possessions. Of course, it doesn't have to be an 100 thing challenge. It could be the 10, 25, 50, 75 or even 150 thing challenge. The number isn't important really. It's a personal challenge, with rules made up by yourself. Dave Bruno lived for an entire year with 100 possessions. I am going to do the same, if for no other reason than to keep it simple!

The rules for my challenge are as follows:

1) This is a personal challenge. The items on my list will be things that are entirely my personal possessions.

The purpose of the challenge is not to force my views upon anyone, but rather for myself to break free of any remaining constraints of consumerism that still occupy my spending habits. I will decide when the rules need to be loosened, or even broken.

2) Books. I am not intending to purge any of my books. This is for a number of reasons: 1) I have spent a lot of money buying them, 2) most of them are for college/work and the rest are for my own personal development, and 3) getting rid of them will serve no deeper purpose for breaking my consumerism habits as they are books I have bought to enhance myself, (many are ironically about consumerism) not because I think it will make me cool/trendy/ to keep up with the Joneses. So for the purpose of this challenge, I will be keeping 'one' library.

3) I will be counting my bed, chair and wardrobe on my list, but I will not be counting items such as 'fridge, toaster, cooker etc. Otherwise I would get to nearly 50 objects just by counting my cutlery, plates and kitchen appliances. I can assure you all, I do not have an addiction to buying kitchen equipment, and my cupboards are modestly filled with essentials. I am also not going to count items such as 'a screw driver, allen keys, tape measurer'. These will count as 'household items', needed for the times when I may need to change a fuse or measure something...

4) Some items will count in groups - for example, socks, pants, etc. This is mainly because it would be pretty unhygenic for me to live with limited amounts of underwear, especially as I live alone and could not fill a washing machine with only a weeks worth of clothes. I would therefore either have to walk around commando for the best part of a fortnight, or wash half-loads - both of which are harmful to the environment.

5) I have decided to keep one small 'memoribila box' in order to savour things that I have been given over the years by lovely friends and family, some of whom are no longer around. I assure you, none of these things will be items I myself have purchased, and I will be sorting through and throwing away a great deal of the fairly large memoribila box I have currently.

6) Digital items such as Music will not count, as these are not possessions I can grasp (and many of which are bought for the benefit of the young people.)

7) Most people who buy me gifts will know that for this year, they are not allowed to buy me things. However, in case anyone can not resist this urge, I will allow myself 7 days from receiving the item before it will count towards my 100 things. In that time I will either need to give it away, give it back, or throw something else away in order to keep it.

8) Finally, I am allowed to buy new things. However, I always have to remain under the 100 thing total. If I am replacing something, I have to get rid of the original thing first before I get the new thing.

So, they are the rules. Now all I have to do is get down to 100 personal things before 1st August. Let the purging begin!

22

2011-03-30T22:55:00.002+01:00

N.B. It's my birthday tomorrow, and try as I might, I haven't been the tiniest bit excited. In fact it seems that everyone else is more excited about it being my birthday than me. Perhaps it's because I remember my past birthdays, and am thinking this one won't live up to expectations. Perhaps I've learnt it's better not to have expectations.

So I'm not being very good at blogging this year. To be honest with you, I've lost the enthusiasm and the energy that I started out with. Emotions are not longer fuelled by reaction, but have sunken into (what feels like) an endless pit of acceptingness. This is just how life is now. I am not sure I'm happy with that, but then I'm not sure I'm happy at all. I know that life can be better, and yet no matter what happens, it never seems to be. I feel like I'm just existing. Just living, without truly knowing why. I am indifferent to darkness, death, loss, and upset... because my eyes have become adjusted to this darkness. What is this feeling? I don't know.

So as I said. Tomorrow is the end of March. Another month of 2011 been and gone. Wasn't this year supposed to be better than the last? It never happens does it. *sigh*

It's my birthday tomorrow, no one here could know

I was born this Thursday, 22 years ago

And I feel stuck watching history repeating

Yeah, who am I?

[Let That Be Enough - Switchfoot]

Pedestals

2011-01-04T23:48:00.003Z

N.B. Have you ever looked up to someone, and been let down by something they did? Or placed someone on a pedestal, and later watched them fall from it? Or maybe you've trusted someone, and then been lied to? Or believed in someone, only to have them give up on you? I have.

Afterwards, the process is much like grieving. There is denial - they wouldn't do that. It can't be true. Then there is anger - how dare they do that! What were they thinking? They're not going to get away with this. My anger faded into hurt, and feeling betrayed. Let down. Rejected. And do you know what happened after that? I saw God. It wasn't one of those vision, dream, appartition kind of ways. But I saw God in the situation. Felt his heart ache, his comfort, and his love. And perhaps learnt a bit about what Jesus meant for us when he told us to love our enemies.

I don't think I have ever had a real enemy. But what if our enemies aren't just the people seeking to destroy us, though they are hard to love too. What if maybe, our enemies are those people we envy? Or maybe they are the people we never accept? Maybe they are our ex-friends? Maybe they are the people who mildly annoy us. Maybe they are those we used to trust? Used to look up to. The people we once put on a pedestal, or those we used to believe in. What if we find it harder to love those people, because they abused our trust, let us down, got close to us, and later betrayed us? Maybe they are the Judas', or the Thomas'; or the Peters'? Maybe they are the people who let us down in our hour of need. Maybe they are the people who are supposed to love us, like our parents, or our siblings, or our children?

I don't know about you, but they are the people I struggle to love the most. Then again, maybe the are the ones who need our love most of all. I've heard it said: love is a dangerous game. And it's right. To love, is to risk being hurt. To open yourself up to rejection, betrayal and pain. But does that make the loving any less worth it? No.

One of my favourite songs at the moment is 'Yet' by Switchfoot. The bridge of the song goes like this:

"If it doesn't break your heart it isn't love,

No, if it doesn't break your heart it's not enough

Cause it's when you're breaking down

With your insides coming out

That's when you find out what your heart is made of."

If you've never trusted anyone and been lied to, or believed in someone and had them give up on you, or love someone and had your heart broken - have you loved enough?

Resurrected!

2010-12-31T17:57:00.001Z

N.B. So it has arrived: the end of another year. And what a year it has been! If I care to look back to the start of the year, and how promisingly it started, I vowed to look at situations more positively - and yet all that ensued was plenty of crappy situations. Maybe that was the challenge. Maybe I failed.

I don't know what 2011 will bring. I don't even know if I am going to make it past tonight. But God-willing, whatever happens, I vow to love and laugh more. Maybe listen more and speak less. Learn more and judge less. Help more and hide less. I have high hopes for my time left on earth. Not for me, but for ways God will use me to teach others about Him. I want to walk in the light, wholly sure that no matter what happens, God is at my side.

This time last year I was striving to leave my past behind - ashamed of so many things that I had done. But now, it's time to embrace those things, learn from them, and move on. Those things happened, and they made me into the person I am today. I cannot change them, cannot erase them, but they did make me who I am, and so for that, I am grateful for them. I believe I am stronger because of them, I have more understanding of the world, a greater ability to journey with others going through simular situations. Comfort as the Lord has comforted me.

I don't want 2011 to be a year of regrets, but of seized opportunities; not of selfish choices but of demonstrationis - real and alive - of what God wants for His people. I believe that it is time the Church stepped up to the plate, and began to deliver the message of love, hope and peace that the broken need to hear. It is no longer a time to point the finger at specks in the eyes of "sinners", but to remove the great log of hypocrisy that has been crippling the Church for centuries. Isn't it time that Christians stood more readily at the heart of Resurrection - rather than crucifying the masses for living publicly what so many of us live behind closed doors?

James 1:22 says do not simply listen to the word, DO as it says. Jesus himself commands us to love God, love others, love self. To love our enemies and to stand out from the crowd like a light shining in the darkness. That means no more fitting in to a society that oppresses the poor and the vulnerable to keep the powerful in charge. No more accepting the status quo that shouts down all those who do not conform. No more bowing to the easy way, but treading the path of righteousness, however dangerous and hard it is. Let's start standing for justice, peace, love acceptance in a real, vibrant and public way. Let's breathe the life of Jesus back in to our communities, our streets: our neighbours. Let's breathe the life of Jesus into our families, our children, our schools, and our churches! Let's stop yearning for the glitter of shiny material objects, and allow our hearts to discover the Glories of the heavens! For I believe there lies a treasure far greater and far more sustainable than anything you may have got for Christmas.

I am not perfect, in fact, far from it. But I know that I am nothing without God. I have no value, save for that in Christ. Alone, I am enslaved to sin, but by the blood of Jesus, I have been set free. And so I may not have everything figured yet, but that doesn't matter. I am a traveller on a journey. I may not yet have fully grasped what it means to love my enemies, I may not yet have grasped what it means to love God. But I sure as hell want to find out, because I'm resurrected! I'm alive in Christ.

Anger

2010-11-18T20:50:00.131Z

N.B. I do not want to turn this into a political blog, because quite frankly, I know squat about politics, but there is a large part of me that has recently gotten angry at the mess the world is in. Let me explain.

Over the last few weeks, thousands of school and university students have marched the streets around Parliament - outraged that Nick Clegg is backing down from his pre-election promses. Apart from a minority of students (or maybe not) getting carried away and spoiling what was otherwise a peaceful protest, I would commend these students for getting passionate about something that affects them.

So often young people get accused of being violent, uncaring hooligans. But in my experience, and especially in my work with young people - if facilitated the right way, young people get angry about a whole load of injustice that generally passes older Christians by. To be young is often to be powerless to the oppression of the 'world of adults' that operates without (and often without thought of) you. But young people have such a strong sense of justice that they often are moved to action a lot sooner than others when they feel injustice has been done.

Many have preached; and will preach for many years to come; about the danger of anger. Many more have interpreted this to mean that anger is bad. I would say that anger - to get angry at something - is a good emotion. Anger promotes action. Anger discourages passive behaviour. Anger promotes change. Anger discourages the status quo. Anger, as an emotion in itself, is not bad - even though some may react to the reaction in a negative and sinful way. What I have been discovering is that God requires us to be good AND angry. This is something that I have been working through personally for many months, but I was reading a book someone gave me for Christmas last year, and found an excellent chapter all about this. (You can find the same book here.)

Paul Tripp does an excellent job in promoting the 'good and angry' position that he believes Christ is calling us to be in. Think about this. How often do we (by we, I mean the Church) get angry about the state of the world? If your answer is not in the present then maybe we are missing something. Recently, I have discovered the divine art of getting angry. God does not call us to put up with injustice, but to fight it. (And by fight, I mean with passion - not violence... Jesus/Gandhi style all the way.)

So maybe it is time for the church to get angry: To get angry about the suffering of the oppressed and the poor. To get angry about the children caught up in violence and abuse. To get angry at the lack of support for those seeking assylum. To get angry about the businesses that use slave and cheap labour to create chocolate, clothes, cars and iPods. To get angry about the children growing up without parents due to HIV. To get angry about the thousands of women and children sold into the sex trade every year. To get angry about the Sex Shop opening up near a school. To get angry at the drug dealers who target young and vulnerable people. To get angry about God's creation being desecrated to feed our consumerist culture. To get angry about the people who gossip about the church leaders. To get angry about the church leaders who do gossip about their church members. To get angry at those who stop at nothing to gain power, status and money.

But in our anger - let us not be moved to violence and sinful behaviour - but let us be motivated into doing something about these issues - whether that be a protest, boycott, or simply a change in our attitude to the way we approach things, and the way we treat others around us. And if you really think there is nothing in this world worth getting angry about - get your head out of the sand, and look around you. For where there is broken and hurting people, the Church needs to act.

Comfortable

2010-08-22T22:15:00.001+01:00

N.B. I've been in the Philippines for just over a week now, and like a moth is drawn to the light, my brain continues to search for meanings for the thousands of questions that I am presented with every day.

Ever since I arrived here, I have been confronted with situation after situation of instances where most (Western) people would throw their towel in and say, "No, I'm not doing that. Life is not fair!" But here, there is no option for that. Life goes on, through storm, pain and disaster. Survival is key. I have no doubt there are people in the West like that also, but I fear that they may be fewer and further between. Not because the West is a particularly bad place, but because I believe life circumstances grow people, and fewer there know the real meaning of mere survival.

A few months ago; whilst on train going nowhere; I was listening to a Youthwork Podcast, and the guest Pip Wilson said something that has stuck with me ever since, and I would say has had a fairly major impact on some life decisions I have made in the last few months:

"Growth does not reside in a place called comfortable... God does not reside in comfortable."

Read that again. Each time I read that sentence it resonates on a deeper level. It is not (excuse the irony) a comortable sentence to read. And I guess in a way, this blog may read the same way to you. I do not apologise for that, because if there is one thing that I have learnt is that sometimes the truth hurts more than a lie. Then again, some people who read this may not even understand the meaning of it. Some may be indifferent. To me, it matters not. Growing up in the west, I have seen comfortable. I have lived comfortable. I have seen comfortable excelerate to levels beyond understanding and need. I have also seen more greed and selfishness than I care to share. And I am a participant in that... on many levels, and I am ashamed because I am not ignorant. There may be some (and I say some, because the media broadcasts it nearly every day of the week) who don't get the extent to which poverty levels sink in countries like the Philippines, (well, most of Asia/Africa/South America) but I fear that there are many more who simply don't care. Or maybe their understanding is jaded by their privileged western upbringing.

At this moment, the story of the woman who gave 2 pennies in the temple offering resonates with me. I may not have a lot (Westernly) of money to give, but I am no longer satisfied with just giving some. Time after time after time it says in the Bible that we must give our ALL to God. Trust that HE will provide. How true is that in my lifestyle right now? I am not sure it is. I know, from just one week here that there is more that needs to be done, and God yearns deeply for his people to stand up and DO something! How can we claim to Love God, and to want to do his will when we sit in our overly comfortable houses, relaxing, seeing to our own needs, while countless numbers of children, families, elderly, are living destitute, starving, ill, dying in our own country, as well as in other parts of the world? Do we love God enough to love them?

Nearly a year ago, when I started my Degree course, I asked God to help me to grow, and I believe He has some amazing plans to help me do that, put I don't think it involves sitting around watching TV. Praise God.

"Try kissing some scars.

Try walking in someone else's shoes.

Try making a mistake as a learning experience.

Try loving the unlovely.

Try a vision for others not self.

Try downward mobility instead of upwards.

Try a worse home.

Try a poorer community.

Try a battered and hopeless church.

Try disturbing your comfortable.

Try comforting your disturbed.

Try pain when comfortable.

Try comfort when in pain.

Try grit in your oyster.

Try loving yourself like you have never been hurt."

Planting

2010-08-12T02:49:00.000+01:00

N.B. It's late, or early. Depending on what you call these small hours of the morning that only clubbers, alcoholics and insomniacs usually inhabit. I'm beginning to wonder if there is something about this place that stops me from sleeping...

Everyone's heard that sermon about reaping and sowing, and how sometimes those who plant seed's aren't always the ones that collect the harvest at the end of the crop. If you haven't heard it, maybe you've never worked in ministry. Because it is certainly a story that resounds loudly with those who sometimes get discouraged by doing all the work and never receiving a share of the crop at the end of it.

Of course, I'm not talking about plants here. I'm talking about children, young people... any people for that matter. There are those in ministry, (and I guess in all christian circles) who sow the seeds, and there are those who reap the harvest. I'm not sure at the moment who gets the raw end of the deal. I guess it's all on my mind at the moment as many of my children and young people, and others I have invested time and energy into, are off at the usual Christian festival weeks that dominate the summer holidays, and I know that whilst there many of them will make big decisions about their lives, maybe become christian's, give up a bad habit or two, or generally be impacted by the messages and atmospheres that are taught and created at all Christian festivals. And they will come back, and tell me all about how *insert name of Christian holiday here* changed their life forever, and how they now want to live for Jesus/get baptised/live differently. And in a small part, I am left thinking: "What about all the work I've been doing with you all year? What about all the times I've tried to tell you that thing, teach you that part of faith, show you how awesome it is to live that way?"

*sigh*

It's got me thinking about all those people who I never think about when I contemplate the journey I have travelled so far. There are people in my life whom I give credit/appreciation to for helping to mould me, but what about those who I never think about? They did have an impact on me, whether I acknowledge it or not. There was the nurse who looked after me whilst in hospital, my childhood friend Tony who I only knew for a year, the boys who called me names and beat me up in Junior school, the kids I played out on the street with, the various relatives and family friends that filled my life as a kid, and I guess as a teenager. These people had an impact on my life, and they helped to craft the person I have become just as much as those I acknowledge have. Many of these people will never see or hear from me again - never know the impact they had on me, nor know of the successes and the failures I achieve. And yet, the world keeps turning. People are constantly wandernig in and out of our of lives - and some of them leave more footprints than others.

And so, I may not get a mention in any testimonies/stories come September, but I will be the one to witness each of them grow, change and develop their faith for a while yet. The person that spoke that crucial word of change into their life may never see or hear from them again. But I will get to walk the next part of their journey with them too, as I walked the last. And though I may never be (in their eyes) the one who changed their life, maybe one day, down the line, when they are sitting up late at night contemplating the journey travelled so far, they may think of me. And maybe they won't. But then again, it is not the servant that reaps the true benefits of the harvest, but the Master.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers."

Galatians 6: 9-10

Stripped

2010-07-29T02:53:00.001+01:00

N.B. Please bear with me, this is the first time I have attempted to articulate these thoughts in writing.

Over the last few months, a lot of things have happened (some good and some bad) that have led to me experiencing the feeling of being broken and beat up inside. I say good and bad, because I believe that at some point in our Christian journey, (at least once, but probably many times) we must go through the fire in order to be refined by God. Sometimes the situations we go through are beyond our control, friends becoming ill or moving away, family members falling out, the government scrapping a savings scheme we were relying on. Sometimes those situations are scary. And sometimes those situations arise because of concscious decisions we have made.

But regardless of how those situations came about, when they do, we have a choice how to react to them. Some would say that suffering is a choice. To be stripped bare, to lose all means of survival but to cling to Christ, can be a choice. To choose to remove from your life all that distracts you from loving God and doing His will, can be a satisfying feeling, though others would have you believe that it is unnecessary.

What am I trying to say? Over the last few months, I have been looking at ways of simplifying my life. I have given away many of my possessions, stopped falling for the commercials and tried to only buy essentials, rather than special bits of tat that are unnecessary. I have attempted to spend more time with people, eating, meeting up, talking. I have tried to spend less time on Facebook and messing around on computers. I have tried to value the input of individuals in my life. I have given when people have needed, and not expected repayment. I have tried not to worry about money. Most of all I have chosen to rely on God when situations have become hurtful and heartbreaking. I have, in effect, stripped myself of some things that others take for granted.

Many people have said to me recently: "I'm really proud of how you're coping with all this" or words to that affect. I am not entirely sure which things they are proud of my ability to cope. But I do know that these last few months have meant more than just removing physical distractions and obstacles from my lifestyle. I have experienced God stripping things away from me too. Breaking off the casing that has surrounded me for so long to reveal the raw, sparkling core of my being. Relighting the fire of passion for things in my heart. Christ has been de-cluttering my soul, so to speak. I cannot say that overall it has been the most pleasant of experiences. But I do know that whatever it is Christ is doing, I am proud that I am not done yet. I am glad that I am still being moulded into a work of art, and that there is more of me to reveal, more of my potential to see, and however painful that experience may be, I know that it is worth going through. For Christ has a greater plan for me, to do greater things. And I need to be ready for that.

So watch out world, I'm just getting started!

Nine

2010-07-26T23:02:00.007+01:00

N.B. There are many times I wish to write, but I sit and I wait for the words to come tumbling into my head, and most of the time they make no decent amount of sense to record in a blog. Please be patient. My time will come again. :)

On Sunday, I was rushing about like a mad person, as per usual before the service, trying to make sure everything was ready for Sunday school, making sure the Music group had the words, ensuring the room upstairs was ready for the group to use, etc, and all the other things that have fallen upon my shoulders in the last few months. It was crazy, and by the time the service started, I suppose I was just about ready to go home for a nap!

After the first few songs, during which I was trying to sing in the worship group and also mouth to a few young people on the front row to face the front and stop messing around, the preacher stood up to do the short children's talk. I went and took my seat next to the young people on the front row, hoping to use the next ten minutes of the service to relax before heading out to lead Sunday School, when someone tapped on my shoulder, and a hushed and hurried message about some child refusing to come into church was told in my ear. I sighed, and attempted (probably unsucessfully) to sneak down the aisle into the back of church, where, there indeed, was a young girl, around nine years old, standing in the lobby area, flatly refusing to enter church.

It was a child that I knew fairly well, and got on well with her mother, and at first the disciplinarian side of me flared, so I tried gentle coaxing and pushing at the same time, taking her by the hand and playfully shoving her towards the door. She put up quite a resistance, and dug her heels into the floor, making it near impossible to get her into the church, and as I didn't fancy dragging her up the aisle to the front row where my seat was, we settled for a nice comfy seat in the vestibule, where we could see and hear what was going on in the service without actually being a part of it. In a way I was pretty grateful myself to be out of the service to get some breathing space.

So we sat, and I began to ask her why she didn't want to go into church that morning. The conversation contintued along these lines: (Me in Italics) (Katie* in bold)

*child's name changed for confidentiality.

"Where's your Mum?"

"In there." *points to church.*

"Where's your brother?"

"In there. " *points to church*

"Oh. Don't you want to go and sit with them?"

"No."

"Have you had an arguement with your Mum?"

*nods*

"Oh dear. What about?"

"Cause she was being naughty."

"Why was she being naughty?"

"Cause she told me off."

"Well, why did she tell you off?"

"Erm... cause I was being naughty."

"Ah. Well don't be naughty then!"

*giggles*

"So why don't you come and sit with me then?"

"I don't want to. I hate church. It's boring"

"No way! You find having a relationship with God himself boring? You find coming together with others who believe and celebrating that relationship boring?!?"

"Yeah... well I don't even know if I believe in God anyway."

"Oh, okay. Why is that then?"

"Because who created God? Who is God's parents?"

"Why do you think that God had to have parents?"

"Well, how did he get there?"

"Okay, well, you know that God created tree's?"

"Yeah."

"So if everything is created by something, then you go back and back and back to the very first thing that started everything else. You can't keep going on forever, can you?"

"No..."

"Well, Christian's believe that the very FIRST thing, the thing that created the first thing that was created, was God. He started everything."

"Oh..." *pause*

"Sometimes I find it hard to believe in God too. But I think choosing to follow God isn't always about what we think or feel, it's what we choose to believe."

"Huh?"

"Well, I believe God does lots of things in our lives. And sometimes we choose to thank him for them, and sometimes we choose to thank other things for them. Like, if I pray to God to help me pass a test, and then I pass a test, I can either choose to give God the thanks, or to give myself a pat on the back for working hard for it. In my life, if I look carefully, there are many things that God probably helped me out on, that I never gave him the credit for. And in your life too, there are probably things that he's done for you. Sometimes we just have to choose to see God in things that other people don't."

"Yeah."

"But when we pray to God to help us get something good, that doesn't always mean that He is going to say yes. God knows what is best for us, so sometimes he won't give us the things that he knows are going to harm us, or things that we don't really need."

"Yeah, like the time I asked God for a barbie bike, and I didn't get one."

"Yeah, like that. But even if we pray to God to help us when things are bad, that doesn't mean he is going to say yes either! When bad things happen, we can choose to blame God for them, or we can choose to accept that God knows much more than us, and to trust that things will work out for the best."

"Yeah."

"You see Katie, I believe we can only see a part of the picture that God see's. It's like a giant painting, with hundreds of different colours, and the painting is made up of lives, of the life of the universe. Now our little life may be in a part of the picture that is really dark, maybe black or brown. We could ask God to change it, to make it a different colour, or for God maybe to make a situation easier or better, but we can't see the bigger picture. Cause the bigger picture is that it's important that for a time, we go through hard stuff. Cause it makes us stronger when we come out the other side, and it helps us in the future to be better people. So when we pray to God to make our situation better, and maybe he says no, or he doesn't change the situation for us, that doesn't meant that he wants us to go through bad stuff, but it means that he can see and understand the reasons for the bad stuff much better than we can."

"Yeah I guess." *long pause*

"Ya know, when I was your brothers age, my parents got divorced. And at the time, I really prayed hard that God would bring my family back together, and would make my parents get along. And it was really hard to go through that, and at the time, I didn't really understand why God was making me go through this really tough time. But now, 6 years later, I can see that it helped me to become a better person, and it means that I can help other people whose parents are separated or divorced, cause I can understand a little bit of what they are going through."

"Like me."

"Yeah, exactly. I know that it might seem hard and scary and not very nice at the moment, but things will get better. And you are going to be a much better person because of it. And I am sure that your Dad loves you very much, even if he can't see the right thing at the moment, and seems to be being a bit horrible, it's just cause adults get confused about stuff too. And sometimes they focus their energy on the wrong things.

"Yeah. All my Dad cares about at the moment is money. Cause we are living in his house. He just won't help us with anything, and he never really supports me or anything."

"Oh sweetie. That's feels rubbish, doesn't it? I'm afraid your Dad just has his priorities a bit messed up at the minute, and he is more worried about money than people. But one day, he is going to realise that. And Katie, if your Dad misses out on a few years of your life because if this, then he is going to miss out on something really special. He's going to miss watching you grow up! Something I'm not going to miss out on. And your Mum and your brother are going to see too. Because you are going to be one amazing young lady, you know that? And because of all this really rubbish and hard stuff that you are going through at the moment, you are going to be so much stronger, and so much braver at the end of that. And there are lots of other people who are around who are here to support you, even if right now, your Dad is too confused to do that..."

*We paused, and Katie nodded with tears in her eyes. I gave her a big hug.*

"I know something that God helped me on! When I started Year 4, my school work was really low, but then it got really good in the middle of the year, and I had prayed to God about it."

"That's great!"

By this time it was almost time for Sunday school, so we headed round into the Main Hall and everything carried on as normal. Katie stayed pretty close to me for the rest of the morning, but she went back to being a kid again. But that didn't change what I had seen in her that day. Up until then, I had seen her as a pretty average 8/9 year old child, who acts out once in a while, has the ability to spike a high temper, and who most of the time is more interested in playing around rather than sitting still. But I saw a part of her that I had previously ignored. In the many conversations I have had with her Mum, I assumed that Katie was oblivious to all the stuff going on with her parents apart from what she had been told, and that she knew very little. How wrong I was. She knew exactly what was going on, and there was a large part of her that was hurting, and confused, and just didn't know what to do.

Looking back, I guess it was that part of her that acted out in the refusal to go into church on Sunday. But in a way, I am quite glad she did. Because it gave me an opportunity to reach through the childish façade she often dons and grab her hand. Maybe stop her from falling too far. And in a way, I was only able to do that by sitting with her, and choosing not to see the stubborn child that was acting out. But by allowing her to just be, and talk, and not be forced to sit in a service when all you want is for someone to pay attention to you, and the person you are, and the part of you that is hurting so bad. I doubt that what I said to Katie will stand any kind of ground as she heads into her summer holidays. But I hope she remembers that I care, and that I love, and that I will listen, should she ever need it.

God bless her, her family, and all she walks beside in the future.

Dangerously

2010-05-04T23:48:00.004+01:00

N.B. I know that it has been a long time since I've blogged, and that my habits recently have probably allowed most of my followers to fade slowly to the point of non-interest, but as College draws to a close I am determined to be more disciplined in my public reflections.

I have spent the Bank Holiday weekend at the Baptist Assembly in Plymouth, not as a youth worker, or children's worker, or anything really, just as me. It was lovely, if not a relief to have some time away after the rather emotional few weeks I have had. Although a lot of the worship time was not really my cup of tea, and the average age of most of the people there was well over 50, it was uniquely refreshing.

Whilst there, I wasn't being watched - in fact I spent a lot of time by myself, surrounded by beautiful strangers. I was just another face in the crowd, albeit a much younger one! But as I listened to the stories of age old missionaries and heard of the fantastic service they had done for God and for people of other nationalities, I was inspired.

Over the weekend I was also desperately writing an essay on Luke 6: 27-38, Jesus talking about loving our enemies, treating others as we would aspire to be treated, and remembering to love others as God loves them. It was helpful, and encouraging, to think that my life with God is only really beginning. That I have so much more to learn, so many more mistakes to make, and yet so many miracles to discover! God has so much more of a journey set out ahead of me, one in which he calls me to live dangerously, trusting in his amazing provision and truth and love for me, and knowing that the more that I endeavour to live His call for my life, the more I will discover about Him.

I cannot say that life from now will be easy, because I truly believe that it will be anything but! Trusting that God will provide is a scary thing to embark upon. Attempting to love those whom have previously contended, hated, maybe even attacked you, is a hard thing to do. But I truly believe that I am not travelling on my own. On the contrary, I will have neither the strength nor the will to take a single step without the Grace and Love of God pouring onto my life. Praise God. The race is on!

Painful

2010-01-29T19:27:00.002Z

N.B. One of my favourite places in the world is by the sea. For me, there is something deeply spiritual about sitting down on the seafront, staring out across the water. As the sun sets it creates an atmosphere that allows me to think, put things into perspective, and spend some time alone without the pressures of what to say or do. It’s one of the few times that I truly feel able to be myself. Sometimes I curl up on a bench and cry, and sometimes I feel like drowning myself in the sea, but being completely honest before God is something that is really important to me: especially when I feel rubbish. God asks us to come before him at all times, in all moments of life, when we are battling and struggling with all kinds of emotions.

Over the last few weeks, I have learnt some really amazing stuff about the strength of God’s love for me, and about what loving someone really means. I think I’ve really begun to understand the strength of that phrase: Love hurts. I’ve always known it, but I think there are a lot of things that people know but don’t really know. And then, when you finally realise it, and it hits you what it actually means, it starts to change the way that you view the world. That’s not to say that the world doesn’t take that realisation away from you again. I think that some things you have to learn over and over again.

Anyways, this week was the handover for the boy that the Andrews family have been fostering over the last few years. He’s been at Avenue for longer than I have, so it’s been a little strange and very hard to think that he won’t be around anymore. On the positive side, he is being adopted into a really loving, Christian family where he will be with his siblings. Sadly, it means that we miss out on watching this amazing little kid grow up. It’s amazing to think that all the things that everyone has always wanted for him have finally come true, even if it took so long for it to happen. But it was also really hard to say goodbye, especially for the Andrews’ who have loved this kid like their own for over three years, and have watched him learn to walk, talk and begin to figure out life.

Understandably, the last few weeks have seen everyone’s emotions run a little all over the place, and I have had more than a few tearful conversations with various children and young people. As happy as we all are for him, we’re really going to miss him. We love that kid, no-one more so than the Andrews, but amidst that love, we must acknowledge that this is the best thing for him, and as much as it hurts to say goodbye, hurt must be endured. Even writing this is bringing tears to my eyes, though I know that everything is going to be okay. I guess one of the hardest things for me has been to watch the Andrews kids getting upset, and knowing that it’s not something that I can make any better; so on Sunday, amidst comforting crying children, I realised that the only thing I could actually do is to share in their pain. Therefore, anyone still hanging around at church had to leave by passing a small pile of sobbing Ami and children on the floor, childishly clinging onto one another for comfort. It may not have been professional, but it made a difference. It helped make that which otherwise was an extremely difficult day, slightly less difficult.

Grounded

2009-12-28T00:36:00.000Z

N.B. So, 2009 is almost at a close, and I realise that I really haven't blogged much this year at all. Its not that I don't want to keep those few readers up-to-date with what I've been doing, I'm just finding it a bit harder to articulate myself these days...

Reading back through the entries I made this time last year, I feel like I don't know that person. I guess I don't right now. I guess that's what this journey, this one I am suffering myself with, is really all about. To find out more about me, about why I am the way I am and how it came to be like that. Whether I can actually change it at all.

I guess, despite my constant admissions that I dislike change (oh, and I do) I cannot deny the fact that I myself am constantly changing. Or rather, I know it, and I don't. Life; the world; circumstances and events; have changed me from the person that God created into this. What sits behind your computer screen typing this blog. And I guess what I'm really scared about, what I fear greatest of all is, have I forgotten how to fly?

Do I jump, and hope that before I hit the ground I will remember, or greater still, that someone will catch me? Do I take that chance knowing that if I don't make it, I will crash and burn. Or do I stand still, and never even make that attempt to leave the ground, knowing that even though I'm not flying, I'll be forever grounded. What do I do? Do I stand on the beach and continue to watch the world around me fall to pieces, but all the while knowing that I am safely standing on the beach. Or do I jump into the waves and ride them, taking the highs with the lows? Is it really better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all? Is it better to believe, knowing that one day you could lose all that you believed in? Or live not believing, with the chance that one day you could be proved wrong? Is it okay to go through life being just okay? Or is life all about being totally miserable and totally happy?

I guess these are the things I am trying to figure out. And although I haven't got very far yet, I'm learning that the smaller things in life matter the most: no matter what the world says. Good night. x

Workaholic

2009-11-27T13:10:00.004Z

N.B. This is going to be more blunt and to the point than normal, because I just haven't got the energy to be using my literary skills. Sorry.

Okay, I admit it. Sometimes I work too much. You might think that that sounds like a boast or an attempt to make myself look good. It isn't. It is just a realisation that sometimes, there is a need to stop. I'm not very good at taking time off. There are two reasons for this: Firstly, I love my job, and the people that I work alongside (well, mostly), and secondly, I don't have many friends (outside of work) that are close enough to spend time with when I want to have time off. Also, Ryan lives in Kent. A combination of these things, and maybe a few other factors, lead to the fact that last week, I had to take time off to recover, because I was too exhausted to do anything constructive. I had to admit to myself (and to Ryan... how annoying when he is right!) that I needed to take a break.

So, after a disasterous weekend feeling rubbish, (and working Monday) I was sent home from lectures on Tuesday to recover. Wednesday and Friday I spent in bed, (okay, so I worked Thursday...) and I tell you, it was horrible. I woke up, and just didn't have the energy to do anything but lay in bed watching tv and dozing. Now, to some people, this might sound amazing. But I hated it, because the problem is that once I stop and rest, my body lets down its defences and I get properly ill, and so I have spent the last week getting over colds, sore throats, headaches, dizzy spells, exhaustion, back aches and other equally annoying and painful things... bleurgh.

The other reason I don't like taking time off is because I get bored and lonely. The last few months have a real challenge to keep me "in this world" emotionally because I have been having what I would call a 'crisis of self', and its been something that I actually haven't talked about much, although not for lack of trying. I just can't find the words to describe it, which is why its probably called a 'crisis'. So yeah. Basically... I'm a loony. No other way to put it really.

Have a good weekend.

"Putting all the vegetables away

That you bought at the grocery store today

And it goes fast

You think of the past

Suddenly everything has changed..."

'Suddenly Everything Has Changed' - The Postal Service

Kidthings

2009-10-29T17:01:00.004Z

N.B. So it's half term, and the "work" has more or less stopped. No college this week, just lots of time with friends, and a few hours supervising young people to paint the youth room. Ryan's been down, and left just a few hours ago, so primarily I am writing this in order to try and take my mind off how much I miss him.

These last few days I've been staying at the Andrews house because Ryan has been staying at mine. It's been great, and I've had lots of fun spending time as part of a family, something I've really missed since being back in England. Family is a large part of Filipino life, because even if biologically you are not related to anybody in a particular household, you are made to feel part of the family, and as though you belong there, as soon as you arrive. I have experienced much of the same feeling when with any of the few church families that I spend time with outside of work, but things around here have been pretty busy, and I've barely had much time (or energy) to do that since starting college in September. More recently I have spent more and more time on my own, working, preparing, studying, travelling, walking, sleeping, eating; especially since moving into my own place. But as much as I am getting used to my own company and doing things by myself, life can get pretty lonely sometimes.

Spending time with the Andrews has brought back many memories of my childhood, many twangs of the past springing up in my mind as I experienced family life once more. The only difference is that my memories of childhood are tainted by the stark reality that it didn’t last. The family life I remember while I was growing up will never become reality again. When I go home now, everything is different, and it will never be again the way it was when I was little. But as much as that hurts, as much as it kills me inside to know that my memories are just dark little shadows in a vast array of experiences that I will have in life, I have to let that go. Because holding on to sadness like that is too hard.

I have had an amazing week spending time with Ryan, the Andrews, Emma and other friends. I have laughed more in this last week that probably the last two months put together. And I have enjoyed being around people. Having Ryan down this week has made me think about how much I miss being close to people. I don't mean to push people away, but sometimes I just can't help it. But now I know that the closeness is what keeps me going. And so I guess, even if things return to normal, and I spend the next few weeks spending far too much time sitting around missing that, I will wait until I experience it again, because I want to live to see the future. I don't want to give up, even when the journey gets hard, like I know it will.

I guess what I’m trying to say is thank you. Thank you for allowing me to belong. Thank you for accepting me. Thank you for being so loving. You're amazing. x

Worship

2009-10-14T23:26:00.003+01:00

N.B. Today at College, our afternoon session was looking at the concept of "Worship": what it means, how it has changed over the years, our experiences; good and bad; of sung worship, and different aspects of leading corporate worship. It was a really good session, even though I spent most of it away with the fairies and appearing uninterested; I was just reflecting back on past experiences...

When I first arrived in the Philippines back in July, I spent a few days in Manila before flying on to Negros. On the day after my arrival, I spent time in Payatas with the team that work at and attend the youth centre. I was given the warmest welcome ever, and even though I could barely remember very few of their names from the year before, they were all more than pleased to see me and have me stay there with them for a few days. (And of course, by the time I left I knew them all.) I was made to feel special and appreciated in a way that I don't understand, and hasn't been repeated that often since.

While I was there, about 20 of them were attending a Ministry Training Course run by Father Paul and the Youth Worker: Mhel. On my second evening, a few of us travelled to Mang Inasal (a really good chicken place with unlimited rice) and Tita Olyn treated us all to some food. It was a great evening of laughter, renewed friendship and honest realisations. Mhel blessed the food before we ate, during which he said: "Lord, help us to remember that everything we eat is food we have not shared with those who are hungry." Humbling and moving words from someone whom many in Western society would describe as "poor." Poor in material goods maybe, but rich in love, spirit, heart, acceptance, and passion for those who are suffering.

I stayed at Lourdes' that night, and overwhelmed and humbled from the hospitality I experienced from those who literally have nothing, it was a memorable night. The next morning we were up early, to have showers (a bucket of cold water that you pour over yourself with a jug), and "breakfast" (flavoured spaghetti, some sweet bread rolls and a chocolate milk drink) before setting off in the morning light around Payatas to do some errands that Lourdes had to do on behalf of the Youth Centre. Then we were off down to Block 7; the area at the base of the rubbish dump; where Fr. Paul lives when he is about in Payatas; because those on the training were leading some worship time with the families and children that live down there. Whilst completing the errands I was introduced to a few of Lourdes friends who live around Payatas and also had a good few invites to stay in people's homes the next time I came to stay in Payatas.

Of course, in true Filipino style, Lourdes and I turned up at 8am (the agreed time to meet) and spent nearly an hour waiting around for the rest of the group. I didn't mind in the slightest, as it gave me a chance to sit and observe some of the life that so often goes unrecorded at the base of the dump. Lourdes translated some of my questions to the local “shop” keeper, and I learned a little bit about the people who populated that part of the dumpsite, and saw a glimpse of what life must be like. When the others arrived, Guitar, Drumbox and bag of flavoured bread in tow; and greetings and hugs were exchanged; we gathered around a house doorway only a few feet from the fence that separated us from the mountain of rubbish that dominated and shadowed these people’s homes. I had a clear view of the dump, the guards and the people, young and old, clambering over the scraps of metal, plastic and waste clothing looking for anything that could be sold, exchanged for food, or used for something useful. And I experienced discomfort in the deepest, rawest sense.

It wasn’t the worship that made me uncomfortable. It wasn’t even the fact that all those who weren’t from the youth centre gradually made a circle of unabashed stares around me. It wasn’t even the smell that gradually overpowers you as you draw nearer to the beast of a dirty, smelly rubbish mountain. I had seen it the year before, and I had heard many stories about the things that went on day by day. I called myself a friend to some who lived there. But I had taken for granted so many things; I had wasted so many opportunities. I had let the culture and natures of English life sweep me away since the last time I stood in that place. I had not lived every day for a worthwhile reason. I hadn’t lived every day like I knew what was going on. And I did know. I had, in effect, forgotten the lessons I learned. And I hadn’t even realised.

And as I stood there, singing song of declaration and loyalty to God, I realised what a sham I’d made of things. And after streaming through the multitude of pre-mentioned thoughts in my head, I realised that none of it made any difference. I hadn’t any difference. I had failed to do all the things I thought I would when I returned to England the first time. These people still lived here; still suffered from poor health, poor housing, little to no education, and food only when profits from the dump allowed so. What had I done, or rather, what hadn’t I done?

Then I looked at the smiling faces all around me: children, teenagers and adults all singing their hearts out for God. If life was so bad, what was I missing here? What made them able to sing so freely of God’s blessing and goodness when I seemed to struggle so much? Was it that living here had disillusioned them into thinking this was normal life? I guess so – this was normal to them. But that did not stop the passion for those suffering around them to be conveyed so freely in their everyday lives. There was no hint of being disheartened that day: no attitude that things didn’t need to change. They were doing everything they could to change live for those around them. In those moments by the dump - they were worshipping God. They were telling the children who lived and worked on the dump that they needed to live for God. These young people, whose strength and determination is a constant inspiration to all who meet them, were praising their God – the God who changed so much in their lives. They were sharing the thing most precious to them. And as I stood there; I got it. Praise God.

“Oh dear God we ask for your favour,
Come and sweep through this place
Oh we desire You
I just wanna be with You, be where You are
Dwelling in Your Presence O God
Oh I want to walk with You

And I will climb this mountain
And I'll step off the shore
And I have chosen to follow
And be by Your side forever more

Tell me what You want me to do, Lord God
Tell me what You want for my life
It's Yours oh God, it's Yours
Do Your will, have Your way
Be Lord God in this place
Oh I want Your will to be done.”
‘By Your Side’ - Hillsong

[All photos from Jo Crowe (Click Here)]

Nudity

2009-10-04T00:57:00.001+01:00

N.B. I'm just going to be brutally honest from now on, because I think the few people that still read this can handle it. That doesn't mean that I'm going to reveal everything I'm thinking, but it means that if I choose to talk about something, I'll talk about it.

I think I'm facing a real challenge to not fall back into the depressive state that I spent the majority of my teenage years in. I don't think there is any one reason for that, but many important factors that are adding to the weight that is getting heavier on my shoulders.

I feel like I have lost all my friends. I'm not talking about physically, because actually, they haven't gone anywhere. But since coming back from the Philippines, a series of circumstances seem to have resulted in me feeling emotionally abandoned. Maybe I am just expecting too much from them, but I there isn't a single person whom I trust enough to share my deepest struggle with. I don't know if that is a change in them, or a change in me, but I have lost the ability to share my struggles and not feel guilty about it. Everytime I prepare myself to offload, I think and worry about what the person is dealing with already, and don't want to add my troubles to the pile. So I once again put on that age-old mask, (and to be honest, it's getting pretty thin with all this use) and walk away. Maybe next time.

One of the main things I am worried about is University. When the hell did this happen? I'm a student. Everytime I look at the list of assignments we have I feel sick. I can't do work. I can't cope with this pressure. I don't even want to remember what happened the last time I was under this kind of pressure. It wasn't good. And what's with all this growing up? Could someone please tell me when it's my turn to be a kid? Did I miss it completely?

Today is the 5th year anniversary of the day my Dad left. The day that resulted in so much change, hurt and anguish that triggered some pretty crappy behaviour on the part of me and everyone else in my family. I don't know if thinking about that day will ever get easier. I guess not. But when I think of how things have moved on, on how much I've dealt with since then, on how far things have come, I can't help but smile a little. Who'd have ever thought that things would turn out like this? Could I ever have predicted what my life would be like right now? I doubt it.

To finish off the guesses about why I've been feeling so crap recently, I have to mention the Philippines. Apart from the fact that I just wish I was there and am getting overly sensitive and annoyed by everything in this country - the recent events that have shattered the place I idolise and love with all my heart is awful. My heart is torn by the devastation that is left in a place so often filled with smiles and laughter, even in the depth of poverty. It is a wonderful place. I have no doubt that the floods will leave people more determined to overcome the difficulties that are faced on a daily basis, and that the smiles and laughter that I have come to know well will not be wiped out. The Filipino's are a great nation, in many ways. And I know that no disaster will ever change that. I only wish that I could be there, helping those people whom I love so much, and not stuck here feeling pretty useless and alone.

That's it. That's me.

Freefall

2009-09-14T13:32:00.002+01:00

Sitting on the train this morning I could think of nothing other than how fast my life seems to be moving these days. And, just like sitting on a train and waiting for the driver to stop at someplace vaguely near where you want to go, I feel like I have no control. I feel like the world is rushing past me, or rather: I am rushing through the world, with nothing but a vague idea where my destination will be. And I'm not even sure I want to go there.

There is so much good in my life, and I am blessed with many friends and family who love me very much (I hope.) And yet I think one thing that don't think I have ever had; and maybe I never will have; is a sound mind. The ability to just enjoy something. To just be, in a moment. I try my very hardest, and perhaps over the summer I was the closest to contentment I have ever been, but now that I am back here I can see the hazy boundary of happiness slipping further and further out of my grip. Maybe the biggest challenge I have this year will be learning to not have to be in control. Because lets face it, I have to be. Maybe thats my problem. My need to be in control restricts impulsivity - the ability to allow the moment to dictate emotion. That's my biggest fear, and yet my biggest release. To just cry, because in that moment, tears are needed. To get angry, to react, because a reaction is needed. Maybe I don't have to internalise everything and wait till later. Maybe the world is a safer place than I first thought.

Saying that, my emotions have been so up and down the last few weeks that perhaps this entire blog is unnecessary. Perhaps I am just suffering with post-Philippines syndrome and when this all calms down and normal life is resumed I will have mastered all that I am aiming towards. We shall see.

"You wanna be invisible
You wanna be alone
But it's Monday morning and the weekends a long way to go...
You're living in free fall
You're living in free fall
And you just don't understand why you never land
And you don't believe any more
In what you're doing this for
And you do not dare to dream;

When you're just a wheel turning
Somebody else's machine"

'Freefall' - Amy Wadge

Flying

2009-09-08T17:03:00.004+01:00

N.B. So I guess if you are any kind of regular visitor to this blog you may have noticed that I haven't written in a while. There are a variety of reasons for this, none of which I really want to bore you with right now, but I just wanted to update with a little what I have been doing recently, and maybe how I'm feeling right now.

For most of the summer holidays I was in the Philippines (29th July - 3rd September) catching up with old friends, helping out in a variety of projects that I was involved in last year. I also got to share in the Wedding Day of some dear friends of mine, which was of course an amazing privilege. It was an amazing time, to see all those people and places that I have been longing to return to for such a long time now. The time away changed me, in many ways. Lessons that I have been learning this year reaching the climax of their instigation in my life, and above all else, I came home with a lot less stuff weighing down on my shoulders than I went out with.

Since being back, I have begun to struggle once more with that - 'who am I now that I'm here?' kind of scenario: comparing everything to Filipino life and with a part of me constantly wishing that I was back in that place once again. I guess in a world with so much uncertainty, saying goodbye is never easy when you think that it may be your last.

But as well as that constant struggle, I feel that I have learnt some important life lessons that are moulding me well for my future. I have noticed a few remarkable changes in myself that may not be obvious to anyone else, but that are affecting the way I live in my everyday life. There are still parts of me that need revamping. There are past things that going to the Philippines brought up in my mind, although I may not have expressed them out loud. It is all a continual part of my journey, my coming to God in the final days, my meeting my maker. All this is just a small fraction of the greater things that are to come. And so I take each moment, each day as it arrives and settles. I rise in the morning and I flap my wings, desperate to achieve that ultimate goal. Maybe one day my feet will leave the ground.

"I can't stand to fly, I'm not that naive

I'm just out to find, the better part of me

I'm more than a bird

I'm more than a plane

More than some pretty face beside a train

It's not easy to be me"

'Superman' - Five For Fighting

Drowning

2009-07-08T16:28:00.008+01:00

So things have been pretty busy round here recently. I'm sorry for not blogging more, I guess some things have to give sometimes, and getting time to sit and reflect enough to write a thoughtful blog may not have been happening so much.

I guess checking Facebook is a far more effective way of keeping up with what I'm doing. Anyways. The last few weeks have been busy, and the next few weeks are going to be pretty eventful. I moved into my own flat last week, and take my young people away for the first time this weekend. I finish as an Optimum Volunteer in just under 2 weeks, and I fly to the Philippines in just under 3 weeks. All pretty major events that I am still trying to get my head around. Life is full of changes recently, and I've realised that on the whole, I've learnt to cope pretty well with that. Or at least I have learnt to better cope with the emotions that it brings.

I know that this summer will change me. I am looking forward to it really. Which is a big step for me. I know that there will be moments when I just don't know what to do, moments when I want to cry, moments when I'll feel like the happiest person in the world. But I guess if I have learnt anything this year, it is to ride the rollercoaster one loop at a time.

Right now, I'm finding a few things hard to cope with. Right now, I feel like I'm falling. Drowning. Being swallowed up by a big hole in my future that I just can't get out of. But things change. Circumstances change, people change, opinions change, moods change. Things are never quite what they seem. There are always depths, hidden meanings, underlying feuds, opinions and reasons why things are said and done. Sometimes it is better when these things remain hidden. I guess underneath people's problems are things that are harder to accept, harder to acknowledge and talk about. That's why people have problems. Because they hide the underlying causes. I guess it's when you try to dig too deep into those causes that you begin to get swallowed up.

"I'm all alone again

I like what she said, not what it means.

She leaves me drowning through the shallow days,

Way down below."

'Shallow Days' - Counting Crows

Na Bata

2009-06-27T00:33:00.003+01:00

N.B. They do say to never work with kids or animals, well, I disagree wholeheartedly!

Kids Klub on Monday was brilliant. We did the usual things, free play at the beginning, and then we all traped upstairs for the Bible story and prayer time, which is always really good because the kids are so enthusiastic and excited about the things we do. It's great.

So, we did the story of Ehud the judge and King Eglon, (Jo of course, playing the part of the fat king) and then we had prayer, and went downstairs to decorate some biscuits. Anyway, this particular Monday we had decided to give a children's Bible to all of the kids who didn't already own one.

So they're all queuing up to collect their Bible, and I'm writing their names in them, and one of the kids asks me if they can read it. I reply that they can! They ask me if they can read it right that second. I again, replied that they could. So they do. And then a few more of the kids come out of the hall where they have been playing and retrieve the bible that they had put with their coats ready to go home.

After all the Bible's have been signed, it's nearly home time so I walk back into the Main Hall to call the kids together, and there they all are, sitting along the window sill in a line, reading their new Bibles. About 15 of them! I wish I had got a picture cause it was the coolest thing ever!

When the parents arrived, lots of the kids ran excitedly out to their parents to show them their NEW BIBLE that was just for them. They were so excited, bless them. It was such a blessing to see and hear. Especially as I spend a vast majority of my time persuading and coaxing my young people into just picking up their Bibles!

So yes. This was my smiling moment of the week.

Waiting

2009-05-30T02:34:00.001+01:00

N.B. It is 2am and I have found myself online, even though I intended to go to bed nearly 3 hours ago. How is this?

I like to explore myself. Discover emotions and feelings that fester under the surface of who I am, and affect me daily. Some people may not even be aware of what they truly hide down in the depths of their soul, as they have never tried to look through the darkness to see down that far. I have fallen through that darkness, and have wandered about. It was an interesting journey that I had to take to avoid total destruction from the inside out.

But I know that there are still depths that I have not uncovered yet. Things that lay hidden in dust covered chests in the corners of my inner cellar. I know that the chance to explore those places is yet to come. I am, at present, sitting in a waiting room - waiting for my appointment. So far, I don't know which Doctor I will be seeing. I don't know how I am feeling right now. Am I happy? Am I lonely? Am I waiting anxiously for a time that will be safe to "de-stress"? All these things I ask myself as I sit here.

Amongst my waiting, I ask myself, How much do I control my up's and down's? The more I look inside myself and analyse my reactions and emotions to every situation, the more I feel like I am gaining control over every aspect of my being. And yet, maybe I do not control this rollercoaster. Maybe I am just a very experienced rider - aware of the signs and feelings that precede each up and down. Maybe I know how the chemicals in my body will make me feel the morning after this feeling, or this one.

Either way, I am aware of something stirring. Something below the surface. When it will emerge, and what it will bring with it, I do not know. I just wait. And hope that sometime soon, it will all become clear, and that when it does, I can deal with that part of myself.

Trains

2009-05-26T00:40:00.001+01:00

N.B. So I haven't blogged in a few months, partly because I'm finding it pretty hard to co-ordinate my thoughts long enough to sit down and write, and partly because I just haven't been in the mood. My head's been pretty clogged and it's hard to try and rationalise blog kind of thoughts. Apologies to the random few who might actually read this.

I'm still finding it pretty difficult to write something that doesn't sound insane. If I could actually get far enough inside my head to watch the thoughts zooming around then I think I might actually laugh, because this is really getting ridiculous now. I bounce myself between desperately searching contentment and thinking life couldn't be better. I bounce between extreme jealousy to extreme indifference. I don't seem to know who I am, or how I feel - but sometimes, I really don't seem to care. I think that's the strangest thing.

I just spent the last weekend up at the Northumbria Community. I still haven't quite worked out what I gained from it, but I enjoyed the experience. Enjoyed the routine of prayer, food and sleep. In a job like mine, you don't get much routine. And actually, it can really ruin my day if something gets changed last minute. Which sounds completely stupid, right? 'Cause I work with teenagers and I should be completely used to plans that change last minute. But I can't, I really can't. No matter how much I try not to, I live for the things that I hope for, that I look forward to. Take the Philippines trip as an example. It ruined nearly 2 months of my life because it was delayed by a few months. And it's not even just big things like that. Little tiny changes that wouldn't even cause a normal person to blink, cause me overwhelming grief and disappointment. Minute detail changes completely throw me. I seriously can't cope with an uncertain schedule.

I also enjoyed the open countryside. The chance to get out and get back to basics with nature - the quiet bubbling of the stream, the rushing wind and the sounds of pigeons and cows in the night. Living on Victoria Ward, you don't get much of that. I liked being able to roam the fields and not worry about having to plan this meeting or this group or that bible study. I tasted freedom for a few days and it was sweet.

Of course, I also know that all this is pretty meaningless right now. It's just how I'm feeling after not being "at work" for 6 days, and being completely out of the loop in all things Avenue right now. I don't know what's going on or what I'm supposed to be doing and it's obviously freaking me out enough to be like this after a really nice day in London with Ryan.*sigh* There you go. That's me.

"I was trying to find me something,

but I wasn't sure quite what..."

Ryan Adams - 'Oh My Sweet Carolina'

Faithfulness

2009-03-22T22:56:00.007Z

N.B. I have to thank God for where He has put me this year. I think of how things might have worked out if I had had any other placement, and how marvellously He guides my life.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Romans 8:28 [NIV]

The sermon tonight was on the middle section of Romans 8, which includes the above verse. Phil spoke about it from the NIV version of the Bible, because it includes a small word that is vital to the understanding of what Paul was trying to get across to the Roman churches - 'IN'. IN all things, God works. This really struck a chord with me, as it goes hand in hand with many things that I have been thinking over the last few weeks.

I didn't blog to say that I had an interview coming up with Oasis College for my University application for next year. On the train up to London on the day of my interview, I sat and wrote a list of all of the strengths that I could think of, because I knew they were bound to ask. But then, thinking about the questions they were likely to ask me, I wrote a list of my weaknesses too. Doing that, I noted how they had been used to delicately by God in order to teach me so much this year - as that old song says, He turns my weaknesses into his opportunities. How true!

Throughout my teenage years, and I guess even before that, many things occurred in my life that at the time, I thought, Why God? Why is this happening to me? It is a familiar story, many children and young people have things happen in their lives that they just can't understand or appreciate the reasons why. And that can be really hard to deal with. I definately struggled for years because of certain things, and even now, as an adult, I am still learning to deal with the repercussions of that. But events recently here have made me view all that suffering and hurt that I went through in a completely different light. I am literally seeing God work IN all of that, for good. I'll give you an example:

On the 3rd October 2003, my Dad went to work. As far as me and my brothers were concerned, it was like any other evening. I can't remember why, but that night my younger brother had decided to sleep in my room, because I had a spare bed. Late that night, when my Mum thought we were asleep, she came into my room and sat down and cried. I didn't know why, but very early the next morning, she came in and told us that Dad was leaving. At first, I guess I was mostly just in a state of disbelief, but I didn't really care. I never knew how much my life was going to change from that moment on.

The years that followed were really hard for me, especially as, since becoming a teenager I had already been struggling with few other things, and the added pressure of a broken home life added to my stress and anxiety levels. Through all of that I would never have thought of those years as God preparing me for what he was calling me to do. I never knew the reason why that all had to happen. But today I realised.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

This morning I ran a session with my young people on Forgiveness. It turned out to be a really challenging session, which was totally God's work because I'm sure it wasn't that good when I planned it. At the end of the session, I decided to go around and pray with them all individually that they would have the courage or the chance to act their forgiveness out on the person that they were struggling to forgive. There were a few young people really struggling with the concept of forgiving their Dad's f or leaving.

My heart went out to them, and I spent some time praying and chatting to each of the young people involved. Normally I don't really know what to say to someone who is upset - my policy is that a hug speaks a thousand words - but this was something that through my own experiences, I knew something about, and I thought that what they probably needed more than anything was for someone to draw alongside them and say, "Yeah, this sucks, and it hurts, and it's really hard. But you ARE going to get through it. And you don't have to do it alone." But I was only able to do that because I had been in their position; not entirely, because everyone's circumstances are different; but I was able to draw on that comfort that God had given to me in those years, and pass it on.

So yeah, I have learned a lot this weekend. And I think the lesson I am learning is to see the bigger picture. Because we are each just a small part of the plan that God has for the world. And on our own, we cannot work things out. But we learn to trust that God knows what is best, and that He will work in ALL things, to do Good.

Praise the Lord!

Bleuuurgh

2009-02-26T20:11:00.000Z

N.B. Sorry to those who thought this would be an epiphany, or even remotely interesting or inspiring blog from the mind of Ami, because it's probably not going to be. I've not blogged recently, for many reasons. I'm feeling rather too delicate and one thing said the wrong way would make me cry... again; and mainly because the things I've been writing down recently aren't for public consumption.

I'm surviving. But I'm upset. I'm fed up. I'm lonely. I'm running out of steam to keep going. I lay awake at night thinking of that far off place. I feel selfish for feeling like this. I hope that tomorrow I will wake up and all this grogginess inside of me will have gone away. I'm thinking there are a hundred thousand million people in the world worse off than me, and all I can do about it is cry. I wish I was 8000 miles away from here. I'm not. I'm here. Sitting in this rather chilly church office trying remotely to type words that actually make correct sentences. I feel like no amount of reassurances and hugs will make me feel better. I hate that this has all hit me like this, and that each day doesn't seem to make one iota of difference, because my lifeline has been whisked back over the horizon again, and I know its nobodys fault. So I can't even get angry at anyone. Well, maybe, for the first time in my life, I'm feeling angry at God. I don't know. I don't even know what being angry with God entails. I'm also a little too afraid of him to actually BE angry at him. All I know is, if I'm being angry with him, I have to believe he exists. Yes, I am questioning everything right now. I'm searching for answers, and being met with more and more questions. I sit around for hours on end just trying to sort through the jumble in my head. I have things I can't tell anyone about. I write it all down, in my journal, but it doesn't make it any easier. I keep crying. It's doing my head in.

Home

2009-02-15T23:58:00.000Z

In church on Sunday, Jim preached on the Parable of the Lost Son. I haven't heard the tape yet, so I'm not too sure what he actually said, (I was out with my young people) but on Sunday evening someone was talking about the two things that we learn about are the need for both a father figure, and a home. For me, both things have very negative/positive connotations that come to mind. But it was the latter of these two things that struck a chord with me on Sunday.

I've spent a lot of time on my own recently, probably beyond that which is normally healthy for me, but I've been thinking of a lot of things, and I guess that time has allowed me to process some things in my head that probably needed processing. In all this, I've definately recognised that I have changed. Normally the thought of spending an afternoon alone is actually frightening to me. But these last few weeks, I've craved that time alone, riding buses and walking and just sitting on a bench somewhere listening to music and carelessly watching the world pass me by. Its been awesome.

Amongst all my thinking, I realised that I may never return to live in the place that up until now, I have been calling my home. The house where my mum lives, where so many of my childhood memories and nightmares have been contained, where most of the junk I've acquired in my life is, it's not actually my home anymore. But the scariest part is, I don't know where it is. I seem to have lost it, somewhere along the way; misplaced it, or left it somewhere.

Recently, I bought a new film, Garden State. If you haven't seen it, seriously, go get it. I'd heard someone rant about it ages ago, but never really paid attention. Anyways, I've watching it a few times in the last few days, and each time I sat, knees tucked up under my chin as I sat on the floor in front of the TV, crying. The second of two things that have really changed for me since Training Week. I now cry... all the flipping time! At first I just thought it was an emotional thing, then I thought it might be hormonal, now it's just getting ridiculous. I'm not a cryer. I'm not even an emotional kind of person, I would say. It takes a lot for me to be open about how I'm really feeling. But recently, I've just been bleurgh. That's how I would describe it. Bleuuuuurgh.

Anyways, there is this section of the film where the main character Andrew (played by Zach Braff) talks about his idea of home with his semi-girlfriend Sam and he says this:

Andrew : "Do you remember that point in your life when you realise that the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden, even though you have a place where you can put all your stuff, that idea of home is gone."

Sam : "I feel like home at my house"

Andrew: "You'll see when you move out. It just happens one day - it's gone. And it's like, you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe its like this rite of passage, you know, you won't get that feeling again until you create this new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle."

And watching this, it made me realise how 'home' isn't really a place that you can go to. It's a feeling. A feeling of being completely accepted, and being completely safe. It may be that at your house, you feel at home. I don't. I just feel like I'm living in a house, and that's where I happen to be this year. Maybe it's because I've moved 5 times in the last two years, maybe it's because so much has changed, for so many people, since I moved away from "home", I don't know. All I've realised is that being here, no matter how much I enjoy spending time with my Mum and brother, and being in a familiar surrounding, it's not home for me anymore.

But every now and again, when in the company of somebody that I trust and feel able to be myself with, (and yes, now there are a good few more of those poeple around) I get the odd flickering, familiar sensation of being safe and secure. That warm, appearingly perfect emotion that everything is okay. Even when it's not. But for that moment, for the time when you are surrounded by love and acceptance, it's there. I don't get it that often. But it is there, every now and again. And that's enough. For now.

Clinging

2009-01-23T02:17:00.000Z

Tonight, sitting alone in the lounge, I cried. I had spent all of this evening at home, watching TV, and watching the news, I I suddenly realised how terrifying the prospect of growing up in this world really is.

And actually, sitting here crying, I could think of no friends who I thought could help me. I longed to run to my Father and to hide behind his legs and cling to him for dear life. I longed for him to wrap his arms around me and let me know that it was all going to be okay. I longed for some sense of not being completely alone. Because I just didn't know how to cope with it.

Thoughts of not wanting to go on anymore plagued me constantly as the reams of news reports and current 'crises' ran through my mind. I thought of the implications of having to grow old in a world like this. But most of all, I desperately clung to the tip of my Fathers coat like a small child reaching for safety.

Burdens

2009-01-18T22:57:00.004Z

When it came to sharing testimonies on the Thursday, (as is the tradition on Training Week) it was a massively emotional time for me and for the rest of the group as well. As we shared with each other the deep hurts and vulnerabilites that we had all mostly hidden until then, we became a group. We cried together. We laughed together. And we shared in that deep and personal bond that only occurs when we realise how truly broken and vulnerable we all are. That is the kind of unity that comes from Christ, and I think Paul talks about a lot in his letters to the various churches.

"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.

Honor one another above yourselves.

Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality."

[Romans 12:9-13 NIV]

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't be afraid to be open. Through our sufferings, we learn to have fellowship with Christ. We share in the pain and death of each other, and together we share in that which He endured.

Box: Prt 2

2009-01-13T01:22:00.000Z

N.B. continued from Part 1 ...

I sat alone in the chapel for a long time after the evening worship finished, reasoning desperately with God to take away the darkness that I felt inside. We sat in the worshipful silence for a long time together, and finally, I realised that I needed to write the feelings as they came to me. As I started writing, a song started playing that goes like this:

"What a friend I've found, closer than a brother
I have felt your touch, more intimate than lovers
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, friend forever

What a hope I've found, more faithful than a mother
It would break my heart, to ever lose each other
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, friend forever."

And as it played, I began to cry. Not bucket loads, but a gentle flow of tears. And that's when I knew it had begun. It was the first time I had cried in about four and a half months, and I was so relieved. As I let the tears fall, I began to write, and write: all those things that felt as raw and as heartbreaking as on the day they happened. For over an hour, I sat with God and I poured my heart out onto paper. I picked at every memory, and ripped it from my box. And I ended up with about 9 pages worth of feelings and emotions and memories that I hadn't really thought about in a long long time.

Over the next few days, I typed up and added to what I had written, and I found that the more I wrote, the better I felt. It was, one of the hardest things I have probably ever had to write. But it was also completely necessary and useful. There was no way that I could have gone on much longer with those things inside of me, because they held me back so much from being the person that God wants me to be. There was far too much of Ami-then trying to dictate how the Ami-now behaved. And it just wasn't working.

Coming back to Avenue, I shared the stuff I wrote with Phil and Rachel. And for once in my life, for those moments afterwards when they talked to me, I didn't feel like I was holding anything back. I could look them in the eye, and I could smile, without feeling ashamed or guilty or unworthy. It was amazing, and I want more of that. I don't want to have a past that I am ashamed of. Because I've realised that everything that happened back then, it made me who I was today. Not in the bad way, but in the sense that I can be strong, because I have endured. I can be sure, because I have been restored. I can be beautiful, because I am shining with the light of God's glory.

No more boxes.

Box: Prt 1

2009-01-12T23:36:00.000Z

N.B. (I realised how long this entry was going to be, so I've split it.) I guess sometimes it is necessary to go back for a while before you can move forward. I've been at Training Week. Its been amazing.

On Tuesday evening, Andy Clarke was leading the worship, and towards the end of the response he said about letting things go. Forgetting the things that God wants you to let go of. It was kind of ironic, because I was still struggling with the last thing that God has asked me to do, and it was pretty much the opposite. I shall explain.

Back in August last year, I felt God telling me that it was time that I went back and faced all the things that I had been locking away in that box in the back of my mind that very rarely got opened. He wanted me to clear it out, throw everything away, because He didn't want me clinging to it anymore. He decided that it was time to start the healing process, but He couldn’t do that until I brought it out into the open where it could be seen. (I guess now I realise what that analogy Kat had a year ago was all about.) Knowing the reason why I had originally put all those things into that box in the first place meant that I did not want to open it. The whole point of putting it in a box was so that it could be locked away and never brought out, surely?

If I'm honest, I was terrified that if I really looked into that deep pit of hurt and pain that I knew was inside of me, I would fall in. And as September approached, and with it the thought of returning to Avenue, I really began to feel the pressure of what God had asked me to do. How could I bring into the open things that ran deep within my conscience and unconscience thoughts, the very root of why I am the way I am and why I react to so many things? More scarier than that, was the thought of having to share all those things with people that I love dearly, and that I work with every day. What if they rejected me? What if they didn't understand? I had no idea how I was going to do it, but the more I thought about it, the more I wanted them to know the truth about me, because I wanted them to know who I REALLY was, not just the person that hid behind a mask all the time.

I had been struggling all summer with things, and I reached the point where I just needed to get it all out of me. I needed to know that I wasn't alone, and that I had people who could support me and be there for me when the time came for me to face all of those fears. And so when it came to returning to Southend in September, I arranged to talk with Phil and Rachel, so that I could share with them some things that I had only shared with a few people since moving to Southend. When it came to it, I managed to share a small, but honest part of my journey, and I am so glad that I did, because instead of finding rejection like has happened so many times in the past, I found some friends who were willing to walk the road with me.

As the days went on, I began to struggle more and more with what God was asking me to do. I fought to stay as far away from the dark abyss of unknown hurts that I possibly could. I struggled a lot in those few months, not wanting to look too closely at the darkness, and yet needing desperately to clear it out of me. I walked around it for a long time, feeling the darkness closing in around me, and only dared a few times to lean over the edge to look inside. The scariest part was probably not ever knowing how I was really feeling. Good times could come crashing down around me within minutes, and I never knew why. Intense feelings of anxiety and fear would overcome me, and being unable to cry, my stomach would just tie itself into knots, and I would lay awake desperately trying to gather my thoughts.

Chatting to Jo/Emma online throughout September/October, they both helped me to discover more of what God was really asking me to do. They helped me to realise that the fear of falling into my abyss was greater than what would actually happen if I did. That in order to clean it out and move forward, at some point I would probably have to allow myself to fall in, and to explore all the things that were hiding there in the darkness, stirring up emotions that I didn't understand and grabbing at strands of recollective memory in order to bring my world crashing down into the darkness. (I guess it was working.)

But, ever since then I had been falling through the darkness of the world inside my head that no-one ever gets to see and attempting desperately to see those things that lurked in the shadows. It'd been really hard trying to discover the things that lay at the root, and often I felt like I was hitting a brick wall when I tryed to explore deeper the reasons why I did things. So when Andy told us that it was time to forget all those things, I just couldn't, because I knew I needed to remember them and get them out of me first.

continued in Part 2...

Moments

2009-01-02T03:45:00.000Z

N.B. I'll take this time to say that I hope everyone had a good Christmas and New Year. I know that circumstances often lead to a lot of people feeling worse over the last few weeks than they normally do, and I know how much that sucks. So to those people, I give my condolences.

I've been sitting here for a while wondering what to put in my Christmas/New Year blog, and I find that so often at this time of year, the tendency is one of two things, a) to look back at the time that has passed and rejoice on the good times and console ourselves that the bad times have gone, or b) to look ahead to the future and expect better times; hope for better times; and prepare ourselves willfully to survive all that might come our way. And although in essence, I have done both of these things recently, I would like to take a moment to pause in the here and now and reflect on just these last few hours.

I went for a walk down the sea front today, and took some photos of the murky water as the sun faded away behind the blanket of clouds. It wasn't any kind of spectacular sunset, the sky remained a dull white as it began to fall through the darkness into the night. I spent quite a bit of time sitting on some steps that led down into the water, watching the lapping waves and listening as families passed on the road behind me. And as night fell, I found an overwhelming urge to just sit, and to just be myself, alone with my thoughts, as scary as that is for me sometimes.

For a while I sat and watched some birds hopping along the tips of the groynes that remained above the water. And as I drifted into thinking, I saw there an invitation to go deeper, a calling that under the surface of that salty liquid was an experience beyond anything I could ever imagine. It was a bewildering feeling that overtook me in those few minutes, when I saw an end to the feelings that build up inside me as if I were drowning in that place. And for a while, the loneliness of sitting there excited me, and goaded me to enter that murky water as if nothing else mattered.

But when I closed my eyes and thought of those times in the Philippines when I sat and watched the sun set over the beach; when I ignored the bitter wind, dropping temperatures and the sight of Kent across the water, then for a minute or so, I could actually believe that I was back there once again, and that behind the dusky mist that lay on the horizon was actually the sight of mountains and palm trees and the most beautiful sunset I had ever seen. In my minds eye, I had entered the world in which I found so much within myself, and where I began to lay my anger to rest. I was back in that place where I accepted that God would be with me always, even when I try to chase Him away. And within those minutes of believing I was there again, I found a peace that calmed my raging fears. I found a home that beckoned my return, and I found a reason to carry on.

Just before I travelled to the Philippines last year, I wrote a blog, in which I reflected on some things that were affecting me, and how they had, in one way or another, found their resolution. And so I shall end this blog with the same words. 2009 is ready to begin. It will bring its challenges, and it will bring its joys. I shall take each as it comes. Life is a continuous journey, and we must not dwell too much on what is behind us, for that has gone, nor what will come ahead of us, for the challenge is not in path ahead, but in the momentary step. There will be times when old wounds come to the surface needing to be healed. There will be times when pleasure is cut short by sorrow. But every day has a sunset, and the morning brings the sunrise.

Hanging

2008-12-21T00:34:00.001Z

N.B. I've imported the important blogs over to this one and deleted my other blog... it was getting too confusing having two at once. Please bear with me as I edit and re-tag all of my entries to fall in line with this blog style... though I doubt any of you are sad enough to actually read my old entries, or even have any interest what-so-ever in what I have to say...

... I didn't think so.

So this week I've been really ill. And screwed up emotionally. And yet, I've actually had more time this month to hang out with the people I care about, because let's face it, most of the things I class as "work" aren't actually work for me anymore. They are just things I go to - part of normal life. Things I used to attend just as much when I was in Brentwood, only now, they count as work. I'm finding the line between work and normal work ever increasing blurry and indeterminate these days. Who knows.

I've suddenly realised how quickly I lost the people I thought would stick around in my life forever. Because now, apart from the odd text or facebook wall message, they play no part in the life I've been living for the last two years. They don't even really know who I am, and the person I've become. And that makes me quite sad actually. I have so many awesome memories of the last few years, and looking back through my old blogs, I can see how much life has changed for me, and yet, the people who back then, I wanted to share my entire life with, barely even share in ten minutes of my life now. And to be honest, that sucks. And it also scares me. Are the people that mean the world to me now, only going to be in my life once every few months in a few years time? Am I going to have to start all over again in a few years time, only to lose those friends as well? Because if I am, what is the point of all this?

*sigh* I don't know. Why is it that so many things take me back to that place that I don't want to be? So many triggers, so many bad memories. All consuming, mind altering triggers that snap be back to that inner churning, stomach turning darkness. I don't really want to admit it, but I'm scared. I don't want to be trapped there.

"God, I'm in this place again,

I'm trying so hard not to fall,

But everything keeps coming down with the rain.

And I try so hard, I forget to call.

Everybodys looking around, and wants to be found.

And I'm just hanging on; I give You all that I am."

'Hanging On' - Everyday Sunday

Mistake

2008-12-18T01:31:00.003Z

N.B. How I wish I had wings that I could escape these cold endless nights. To escape this situation and to start afresh in a new world, with a new horizon that calls to me each evening. Oh, how I long sometimes to live in the sunset.

I really don't cope very well when this feeling comes upon me so suddenly. It catches me unaware and I can't act quick enough to stop it taking me over. And if I don't catch it in time, or have someone to distract me, then we just repeat ourselves. It sits in my stomach, not allowing me to eat or sleep, and slowly tears apart my sanity, emotion by emotion, until I give in. Sometimes, my life seems to be nothing but an endless circle of bad feelings, mistakes and regrets.

"Saw the world turning in my sheets and once again I cannot sleep.

Walk out the door and up the street;

Look at the stars beneath my feet.

Remember rights that I did wrong, so here I go.

Hello, hello. There is no place I cannot go.

My mind is muddy but my heart is heavy. Does it show?

I lose the track that loses me, so here I go.

And so I sent some men to fight,

And one came back at dead of night.

Said he'd seen my enemy.

Said he looked just like me,

So I set out to cut myself and here I go.

I'm not calling for a second chance,

I'm screaming at the top of my voice.

Give me reason but don't give me choice.

'Cause I'll just make the same mistake again.

And maybe someday we will meet,

And maybe talk and not just speak.

Don't buy the promises 'cause,

There are no promises I keep.

And my reflection troubles me, so here I go."

'Same Mistake' - James Blunt

Wondering

2008-12-11T01:08:00.002Z

N.B. I was not at all well yesterday morning and ended up spending the majority of the day in bed. It's certainly no fun being ill when you ain't got a lovely Mummy to look after you, I'll say!

I have been wondering a lot lately. About a lot of things, not even one thing in particular. It's coming up to Christmas, and been thinking back on childhood memories and experiences of past Christmasses. It's nearly January, and a New Year, so been thinking about the things that 2008 brought to me, and the changes that have occurred in my life throughout the year. Its almost at that terrifying time of year when I have to decide what I want to do next year, or rather, what God wants and where I will end up. It's nearly 2009. What a scary thought!

Most of all though, I have been wondering an awful lot about how much I have changed over the last year and a half/ since I started life down here in Southend. So much has gone on, so much has moulded and guided and crushed me into this person I have become. And so far, I'm not overly sure how much I've been aware of it's going on. I know that people often tell me that I've grown loads in the last year, and yes, there are aspects of my life that I can visibly see the changes in me. But there are so many other things, little things, that I am aware have not-so-much changed, but have been allowed to mature and grow, because I have given them a chance to come out into the open: parts of my personality that are not hindered by shyness and lack of self-esteem and self-loathing. I have gained control, albeit loosely, on some of those negative emotions that threaten to overtake me, and so most of the time now, I am partly free of them, and they no longer dictate my every move.

I have learnt so much about God in my 16 months working for Him, not just knowledge and understanding of the Bible and it's truth and message, but also about God himself. His character and attitude towards me, and not in the least, the unexplainable, unimaginable magnitude of his love and faithfulness that are renewed to me every morning, because I worship and adore a loving, faithful God, who knows me intimately and holds me close to his heart.

I mentioned a few months ago that I was experiencing a real sense of 'travelling into the darkness' and I would not say that I have yet come out the other side. I know that there is so much more that God wants to "do with me" whilst I am vulnerable and allowing Him to do so. However, no matter how dark the night gets, I know the faithfulness of God's provision for me, and so I am contented with being here. I am fully aware that there are struggles I have yet to experience, because life is an ongoing journey, and I am still travelling it. But the moments of God's bright stars that break through the darkness are constant and powerful, and so I remain stengthened and rested in His presence. And despite the chaos and unpredicatableness of the things sometimes going on in my head, I strive to allow God to mould me, and to answer and comfort all the questions and fears that lie in the pit of that darkness.

So yes, I have been wondering a lot lately. Or should I say, wandering....

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Horatio G Spafford, 1873

Everyone

2008-12-01T01:25:00.000Z

N.B. Reflection on Romans 12 v 1-21. What an amazing book. (Yes, I say that about all of Paul's letters.) But this is what I strive for, this is how I want to live. And sure, I'm never going to get there, because I have sinned, and I fall short of God's glory, by a long shot. But I am justified freely through the redemption that comes through faith in Christ Jesus, thanks be to God.

"I'm taking my everyday, ordinary life — my sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life — and placing it before God as an offering. I'm not going to become so well-adjusted to my culture that I fit into it without even thinking. Instead, I'm fixing my attention on God. I'll be changed from the inside out. I'll try to readily recognize what He wants from me, and quickly respond to it.

Living in pure grace, I'm know I'm not bringing this goodness to God. God brings it all to me. The only accurate way to understand life is by what God is and by what He does for me, not by what I am and what I do for him.

I'm trying to be what I was made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing myself to someone else, or by being something I'm not. I'm not the whole picture, my life is part of God's infinite plan. When I preach, I will preach God's message, nothing else. When I help, I will help with a servant heart. When I work with the disadvantaged, I won't let myself get irritated or depressed by them. I will keep a smile on my face. I will love from the center of who I am, I won't fake it.

I will run from evil, and cling dear to good. I will be a good friend who loves dearly, and put others before myself. I'll keep myself fueled and aflame so I won't burn out. I'll be an alert servant of the Master, cheerfully expectant. I won't quit in hard times, but will pray all the harder.

I will help needy Christians, and practise hospitality, feeding those I meet who are hungry, and giving a drink to those who thirst. I'll bless my enemies, and give up cursing under my breath. I'll share laughter with my friends when they are happy, and tears when they are down. I will try and get along with everyone, and make friends with the nobodies without making myself a big somebody. I'll learn not to hit back, but instead discover beauty in everyone. I'll let God do the judging, and just try to get along with people. I'll try not to let evil get the best of me, but overcome that evil with good works. By the grace of the Lord God, through whom all things are held together."

Potatoes

2008-11-28T22:12:00.005Z

N.B. *Contains strong opinions* Anyone else been watching 'I'm A Celebrity...'? Normally I quite enjoy watching it, but this series of Celebrities are really beginning to grind my teeth.

There are not many things that really anger me, but this one really has created such a deep sense of injustice and annoyance that it's being embedded in my stomach right now. Sitting down to watch TV this evening, I ended up watching 'I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!' and was watching the way the celebrities constantly complained of hunger and not having enough to eat. And to be honest, I was quite glad. Maybe after experiencing it for themselves, they might be more wary of so many of the world that experience that everyday, without the thought that it'll all be over in a few weeks.

However, nothing annoyed me more than hearing David Van Day moan on and on about not have cake or champagne for his birthday, and how no-one seemed to care that it was his birthday. He got all annoyed because Brian and Esther didn't destroy 1000 potatoes to win a luxury box - they said they didn't do it because it was wasteful of the potatoes. He said that they obviously didn't care it was his birthday and had a little tantrum. Just shut up! No, I don't care that it's your birthday, because you're not that special, so get over yourself! Eurgh! That annoyed me.

Why does nobody seem to care? Why are people so immune to the suffering that goes on day after day after day? Why is it that massive things, like the Tsunami and 9/11 get so much media coverage, but everyday death and starvation and suffering go unnoticed? Won't anybody listen?

Psychic

2008-11-20T22:20:00.004Z

N.B. It's actually beginning to hurt more and more as each day goes by. Somebody just take me home. :(

Just thought I would share a gem of humour from one of my lovely girlies this afternoon.

Lauren: I think I'm psychic!
Phil: What am I thinking?
Lauren: I'm a weirdo?
Phil: Wow! That was amazing!
Ami: Okay, okay, what am I thinking?
Lauren: How should I know!

And I always thought boys said silly things...

Bodies

2008-11-18T23:43:00.004Z

N.B. This is pretty much what I preached on Sunday, although obviously, I have changed it a little bit to fit with it being posted on a blog as opposed to spoken in church. The service was all about being the body of Christ, and the young people did so well, bless them. I loved seeing how much they have all grown and changed since I started working with them last September, as many have commented on my development since I started working here. For sure... I would not have been preaching last September.

"We are the body of Christ. We are the Church. We are a group of people travelling together. We are men, women and children of all ages, races and societies supporting one another on our long, and often tiring journeys to our final home. When we share together in communion, eating and drinking the bread and wine, we become that one body. Through the visible, outward sign of the inner grace we experience, we become more than a team, a group or even a fellowship. We become the one body of Christ, the Living Lord, present in the world.

The church is holy, and sinful. It is spotless and it is tainted. The church is the bride of Christ, washed in cleansing water and made one with Him. The church too, is a group of sinful, confused and anguished people constantly tempted by the powers of lust and greed and always entangled in rivalry and competition. When we say that the church is a body, and we too, are part of that, we refer not only to the Holy and faultless body made Christ-like through baptism and communion, but also to the broken bodies of all the people who are its members.

The church is that unlikely body of people through whom God chooses to reveal His love for us. Just as it seems unlikely to many people that God chose to become human using a young girl living in a small, not very respected town in the Middle East over 2000 years ago, it seems even more unlikely to a whole lot more people that God chose to continue His work of salvation in a community of people constantly torn apart by arguments, prejudices, authority conflicts and power games.

In the past the Church has made enough mistakes. We have a history of violence and controversy, judgement and manipulation of people and ideas, as well as constantly recurring divisions to overcome before we can begin to spread the message that Christ has set in our hearts. We need to believe that despite the flaws of every single one of us, as Christ’s body we carry in our centre the Word of God and God’s healing love. In the midst of our human brokenness, the Church needs to present the broken body of Christ to the world as food for eternal life! Because in a world where sin is abundant, grace is superabundant, and where promises are broken over and again, God’s promise stands unshaken.

The grace of God, overspills, flowing further and wider and deeper than the sin that so easily entangles each part of us, as broken members of one body. But by putting Jesus at the centre of our lives, we can gather together and become one whole body, spotless and Holy. Through one spirit and one baptism, we gather together with one hope, and Christ’s one sacrifice is enough! When we have faith that Jesus lives within us, we realise that he also lives among us and makes us into a body of people witnessing together to the presence of Christ in this world.

Every single one of us needs God’s grace. Our children and young people need to learn about it, the people out there in our town, country and world need to hear about it. And just as much, every single one of us needs to accept it. Every single one of us can have God’s grace. It is not something we can earn - it is a gift that we receive. Not because of the good things we may have done, but because of Christ’s love for us. That he died, and he poured out his blood, and washed our broken and sinful bodies clean.

Grace is a gift that when realised and accepted, changes lives. God’s grace is completely sufficient, because he pours it upon our heads day after day after day. He showers us with love and acceptance every time we realise it. It conquers our insecurities, and it wipes the stain of our sin from our lives. So that we can stand and say we are members of Christ’s body. There will be people who need to accept the grace that God is offering to them today. Maybe for the first time, maybe for the hundreth time. Because no matter how many times in the past you have screwed it up and made mistakes, God is offering you his forgiveness. You just have to decide whether or not to take it."

"Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, so it is with Christ’s body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other. In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you."

Romans 12:4-6 [NLT]

Innocence

2008-11-04T02:22:00.001Z

Last night at Kids Klub, during the quieter, more God-oriented slot at the beginning, a rather confident 5-year-old called Billy prayed the best prayer I've heard in ages. Well, Jesus did say that "out of the mouths of babes and sucklings, thou hast perfected praise..."

"Dear Jesus, I think I really like you.

I hope you will come see us soon...

Amen!"